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Monday, 11 May 2009

image for How United Kingdom Will Win Eurovision

Terry Wogan : "Hello Is that Sean?, It's Terry here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have given up hosting the Eurovision Song Contest, everyone hates us, and the BBC think we should get a Hollywood Legend to provide a little Glitz and Glamour, are you interested?".

Sean Connery : "You want me to sit, in a booth, listening to Boom-Bang-A Lang for Four Fucking Hours? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Terry Wogan : "The money's good"

Sean Connery : How much?"

Terry Wogan : "Two Hundred Thousand"

Sean Connery : "Two Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Two Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Sean Connery : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the British Broadcasting Corporation, sorry about that Terry, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Terry Wogan : "Who is that in the background?"

Sean Connery : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Terry Wogan : "Will he do it?"

Sean Connery : "For $200,000 he'd shag his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".

THE NIGHT OF THE SHOW

Eurovision Song Contest Presenter : "And now we have the results for United Kingdom / Et maintenant nous avons les r├ęsultats pour le Royaume-Uni"

Judge : "Nil Point!"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country he from!"

Judge : "Nil Point!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Nil Point" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "Nil Point?"

Judge : "Nil Point!".

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Judge : "Nil Point!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "Nil Point" again! C'mon, say "Nil Point"
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "Nil Point" one more goddamn time!"

Judge : "Perdon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Andy The Binman looks like!"

Judge : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Judge : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Judge : "Perdon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Judge : "Non!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Judge : "Mais Non!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Andy The Binman doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Andy The Binman!".

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Judge : "Fuck It, Royaume-Uni, Douze Points!"

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that Nil Point Shit?

No.

Good.

Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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