Written by NapalmNihil
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Friday, 8 May 2009

My new year's resolution is to take more personal responsibility, as this is the traditional American way. I will no longer blame my issues on society; I will only blame them on my incompetence. This major change in my thinking was the result of an epiphany I had while watching The O'Reilly Factor. Bill O'Reilly's infinite wisdom opened my eyes to the source of my incompetence: the liberal media. The liberal media is responsible for making me think that I'm not personally responsible for my problems. In 2009, this fallacy will be solved through a clearly measurable and attainable goal.

My personal responsibility can easily be measured by the amount of income I earn. After all, wealth correlates directly with personal responsibility. This is evident in the behavior of the American people. Poor urban Americans are choked by poverty because they did not take the responsibility to go to an expensive Ivy-league college. It's not the state's fault; it's their own fault for being born into poverty. On the other hand, wealthy bankers took the personal responsibility to beg the government to fix their financial problems. Beyond doubt, a wealthy person has the more personal responsibility then a poor person. Therefore, my goal can be measured by my wealth.

Not only is my goal measurable, it is easily attainable. A testament to this fact is unveiled in the lives of personal responsibility advocates. For example, Sarah Palin took the initiative to blame her ignorance on the 'gotcha' media. Furthermore, Rush Limbaugh's war against drugs was diminished by his drug addiction to oxycontin. But as a true conservative, Limbaugh owned up to this perceived hypocrisy and explained that it was not his fault he did the drugs. It was merely circumstance. It is clear, that if Limbaugh could do it, then my quest for personal responsibility is realistic.

In 2008, I was brainwashed by the liberal media into thinking that I was not personally responsible for my shortcomings. In 2009, this unaccountability will change in favor of the Glenn Beck doctrine: total personal responsibility. I will, just like Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh, personally take the initiative to blame my dilemmas on the commies in the media. I will measure my progress by the increases in my income. Clearly, personal responsibility can be attained and measured.

DISCLAIMER: I take no responsibility for the content of this essay.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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