Written by Andy Youtz
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Thursday, 7 May 2009

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Are you tired of watching your assets dwindle in the traditional markets? Are you depressed over having to having to decide whether to diminish your lifestyle or die five years sooner? Well, don't despair help is on the way. In the spirit of making the best of a bad situation we are proud to announce an initial public offering for a product that will revolutionize asset management. It's a simple alternative to banks, stocks and bonds which we're calling the Wall Street Sleep Set. It looks and feels like an ordinary mattress, but concealed on the sides are pockets where you can organize and store your cash. There are individual cavities for various denominations of bills including most of the world's currencies, plus a separate padded area for coins.

Segmentation of the market will be by size. In concert with the President's tax policies the standard full-size Wall Street Mattress will accommodate the needs of a couple whose combined income is less than $250,000. The Wall Street King will manage the wealth of a CEO whose firm has accepted Federal bailout money. The twin will serve students or couples who are separated or divorced but can't afford two households. The Wall Street Queen, also to be marketed under the trade name "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", will be for investment partners.

For major investors or those who have to deal with lots of cash; e.g. drug dealers, AIG "retainees" or people who have had to unexpectedly pull their assets out of Switzerland, we offer the companion piece, the Wall Street Bucks Spring. Simply unzip the cover and dump in the cash. To help folks who have been wiped out in the traditional markets to maintain appearances with their friends and family there is the Wall Street Bubble. It's a standard inflatable mattress with our logo affixed which is of course full of nothing but air. Also available is the Wall Street MadeOff Sleep Set. When you get it home you find it's just a big empty box with a note taped inside saying "Congratulations hot shot, Wall Street has just made off with your nest egg."

But we're not stopping there. Our R & D group is looking into commodities and other types of wealth that people may want to stash. A variation of the traditional water bed would store up to two barrels of oil. Other ideas being studied include mattresses with pockets for gold bullion or silver ingots. There could be a crib-sized mattress for gem stones, or a lead-lined version for truly toxic assets like enriched Plutonium. The possibilities are endless.

Think about it, no more brokers' fees, arcane prospectuses or depressing financial statements. You'll impress your friends at cocktail parties as you proudly announce your patriotic commitment to stimulating the economy "We're keeping all of our money in Wall Street". Lower back pain caused by financial worry (and a possibly too-soft mattress) will disappear. You'll sleep like a baby knowing that your assets are right under your pillow, safe from the herd-mentality panic of the real Wall Street.

If you would like to get in on the ground floor of this incredible opportunity please call the toll free number listed below. But hurry, shortly after the IPO we are planning a well-deserved retreat in Buenos Aires after which we may be difficult to reach.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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