Written by Adam Click
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Saturday, 2 May 2009

image for Every Time You Have a Wank Obama Cries! Although Obama's tears can douse the flames of hell, it is you who will suffer eternal pain

Every time, yes, every time you practice self-abuse Obama weeps sad tears of pain. It's as painful to him as a crown of thorns. As hurtful as spikes being driven through his wrists or a spear wound to his side.

It's as if you are scourging Obama's back with each desperate indulgence. The harm you are doing is beyond sinfulness, and though Obama's tears can douse the flames of hell, it is you who will suffer the eternal pain of Hell's smoldering fires and boiling brimstone in a place reserved for the incestuous, adulterous and conservative. No eternal reward will ever forgive you now for wasting your seed.

if you own any stocks or bonds, conservative posters, Milton Friedman books and such, get rid of them immediately. For the sake of Obama, guard yourself against any such contamination. Replace these things with good soulful music and put images of Obama in your room, especially where you usually fall into the sin of onanism.

During this time of discipline, give up tiny things. For example, a raise, your home or your automobile. These small sacrifices will help you grow in self-mastery, so that you regain self-control. After all, we're slaves to whatever rules us.

The difference is like that between a conservative republican who has no control over his party which gallops wildly through caucuses and primaries, and a liberal democrat who has control, and can win races and score a dime bag in a snap. That is a person fully alive.

This kind of self-control is impossible alone, but through the grace of Obama, all things are possible. If you ask for equality, not one right will be lacking. Be patient with yourself, and do not give in to discouragement for your's is the way of Obama. Remember that the prize of true love awaits those who are truly socialist, because they are the only ones capable of giving and receiving.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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