A speech made by Mitch McConnell outlining his stance on poultry deaths in DC:
"I come from a state that has killed more chickens that any other, the original home of the Kentucky Fried Chicken, and as long as those chickens gave their lives for a good cause, I would not say a word. Especially, with my mouth full of greasy dead chicken, which I love.
"But these chicken sacrifices that several Senators and Congressmen have been into have got to stop.
"First, I recommend that we close down Madame Chicken Voodoo Located near the Washington Mall and do it quickly before she changes us into bigger jackasses than we already Hee-yare.
"Second, should anyone in the government, ANYONE, be caught sprinkling chicken blood on the door of the other party's residence, that person should immediately be tried on the Potomac to see if they float or not.
"Now right this minute my privates are itching like a chimp in the zoo but I know it's from Vice President Joe Biden's office because I saw him run in there with a peacock feather not more than 10 minutes ago.
"Even Secretary of State Clinton says the bottom of her feet are a mess after someone put her doll image over an open flame after sacrificing a chicken in the Rose Garden. So this very much goes across party lines.
"I must hush now because there are sharp needle-like pains shooting into my ass. I turn the floor over to my fellow Senator from the opposing party, Senator Byrd who is already madly dancing over to the mike because the hall floor has been heated."