Written by Andrew Lawrence
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Sunday, 1 March 2009

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According to a seminar on how to be a successful politician in America, sponsored by Bail-outs.us, U.S. politicians must know or do these 5 things ...

Get elected

If you want to get elected you have to say, or do, whatever it takes. It helps to disregard the facts, disregard the truth, disregard right and wrong, disregard what's good for the people you represent … and lie, lie, lie. Lying is what works. Lying is what gets you elected. And re-elected. A successful politician is a successful liar.

Be a whore

As a politician your job is not to help the little people, your job is to help your large campaign contributors get whatever they want. These large contributors may include real estate developers, unions, trial lawyers, banks, oil companies, extreme environmentalists and other special interest groups that fill your campaign coffers with cash, lots of cash. You do not work for the people, you work for the special interest groups and, like a whore, you do whatever they want you to do. And make sure to always spin your special interest favoritism and boondoggling as "a great benefit to the public".

Spend, spend, spend

Always remember that, as a politician, you are not spending your own money you are spending the taxpayers' money. And, since you are representing the special interests and not the taxpayers' interests, feel free to spend, spend, spend. And make sure you waste millions (or billions) of dollars on projects that do nothing for the general public or the taxpaying voters you are sworn to represent. Spend wildly on expanding the government, spend wildly on projects that benefit the few not the many. And, if you run out of money to spend, raise taxes so you can keep on spending. The voting public is dumb, they'll never catch on, they'll never stop you so spend, spend, spend. And, no matter what, keep on spending!

You are above the law

As a politician, rules and laws and morality do not apply to you. As a politician, feel free to do whatever you want; hire hookers, have affairs, hire a car and driver at taxpayers' expense, go on expensive junkets at taxpayers' expense, take bribes, drive drunk, cheat on your taxes and behave as badly as you wish. Not to worry, no matter what sins and crimes you commit, you won't go to jail and you won't lose your incredibly generous government pension and benefits. Remember, as a politician you are above the law. You don't have to follow the laws… you MAKE the laws!

Be a chameleon

As a successful politician you have to be ready to change your mind at the drop of a hat, depending on which way the wind blows. As a politician you need only pay attention to the polls and, whatever viewpoint is winning in the polls, start spouting that viewpoint ASAP. Then go and do whatever you want. Never listen to others, never listen to what the voters want, never listen to your conscience (if you even have a conscience), and never listen to your heart (if you even have a heart). Never admit when you're wrong and never let doing the right thing get in the way of playing politics.

Let's recap, because everyone knows that politicians have a short attention span …

1. Get elected
2. Be a whore
3. Spend, spend, spend
4. You are above the law
5. Be a chameleon

These are the top 5 sure-fire things you need to know and do to be a successful politician, to get elected and re-elected. Being a politician is not a job, it's a calling. As a politician you don't have to live by the rules, you don't have to live in reality or pay attention to reality, because, as a politician, you get to create your own reality, your own world, according to YOUR needs and desires … and then you get to force everyone to live there.

Be a politician. It beats working for a living. As a politician you'll have power, prestige and popularity. You'll also have the favorability rating of a snake oil salesman but who cares - it's all about power, prestige and popularity. It's all about YOU. Being a politician is a great life. Sell out today and become a politician!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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