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Tuesday, 24 February 2009

image for The Catholic Calendar of Saints: A Cavalcade of  Holy Mass Murderers, Sanctimonious Adulterous Popes and Some really gay blades: February 23 Polycarp often spoke in tongueskisses with the fishes

In recognition of the fact that the One Holy Apostolic Catholic Church has provided almost as much comedy to spoof writers as the royal family and the Bush family, one of its newest latest excitingest features will be the catholic calendar of the saints.

Each day if we are sober enough after our daily draught of altar wine we will try and provide a saint of the day inspirational reflection. Sometimes biography, often mythology and generally total bullshit, we hope, dear reader, that you will find this feature edifying enough to interrupt you daily ejaculations for which you receive indulgences. It is the hope that one day the Vatican will assign indulges to all who read this daily shout out to the choir triumphant:

February 23: Saint Polycarp

Polycarp was an ancient apostolic father and early bishop of the church before it got mix up in all the bs about saints, virgin marys and sins of the flesh. Polycarp was revered by the early christians for his ability to speak to many different species of fish. he began at an early age learning to carp with carp but soon discovered a God given ablility to smoke salmon, pickle herring and carpaccio tuna.

In another legend, Polycarp is described as an inveterate complainer. His friend and spiritual brother in the Church of rome, Guiseppe Cantestandicomplaineroso wrote of his sainted comrade:

Thisa guy coulda carp about anyating. Hea started ata breakfast -eggsa too hard, tooa soft, bacon nota crispy enough-ona and ona! Da weather, da traffic, da bruch, lunch, dinner and everya snack ina between! Onea day I said toa hymn you know dey shoulda calla you Polya carp ona counts you neva stop complainin. Wells it stuck and so even after I gotta so feds up I martyred the somanabitch, dontcha know dey make him a saint- Saint Polycarp!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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