Written by chris whewell
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Thursday, 12 February 2009

image for T'New Commandments Mustapha Kamir announces His New Comandments (yesterday)

With the imminent resignation of God from the position of....well, God, Deus-Elect Mustapha Kamir has thrown his flat cap into the ring, and produced a set of New Commandments.

1. Yorkshire Puddin' is to be eaten as t'first course, not just dumped on t'plate wi' main course. Y'can 'ave it wi' jam then. Tha Mam's Yorkshire Puddin' is the bestest, an' any folk 'oo say diff'rent can be clouted - even thy lass.

2. Ale is for suppin', an suppin' quick, served in pint pots. Drinkin' 'alves is for jessies an' t'lasses. Owt less than 8 pints, fer wimmin an' blokes is absolute minimum recommended intake. When in't pub, windows should allus be shut, t'let atmosphere build up.

3. Whippets and Ferrets are t'be considered as 'Oly animals, an' never mistreated. Proper way t'keep ferret is down trousers. Proper way to keep Whippet is wi' lead n' collar made from string.

4. Thou Mam n' Dad are t'be tret reet. Tha's to tek Dad t'pub on a Sunday, while tha' Mam cooks dinner. When thee gets paid, gi' the lot t'yer Mam. She'll gi'thee back some o'it fer beer, fags n' stuff.

5. When thee gets a lass, she's got t'be tret reet an'all. Let 'er 'ave a bath once a week, else she'll start t'smell. As soon as she's 'ad a kid, she's t'be called Mother or Mam, unless t'mates in t'pub, in which case, she's t'be called T'Missus. Tha can tek 'er out, but nivver more than once a week. She's t'sit wi'other lasses, an 'ave a natter. Blokes'll mek sure they've got summat t'sup, but'll prop up bar, as normal.

6. "Work" is t'be called "graft". It's only proper graft if it involves 'eavy machinery or diggin' coil out t'ground. If tha comes 'ome, 'n tha's not covered in soot from 'ead t'foot, tha's a poof, a reet jessie, or a nancy. Losin' fingers, toes or limbs is normal when graftin'. Moanin' about it is what Big Jessies do. Just get on wi'it.

7. Tha's not dressed proper unless th'as got thee Donkey Jacket on. Tha's t'wear Donkey Jacket from when tha gets up in't mornin, t'when tha goes t'bed. Wearin' Donkey Jacket in t'bath is acceptable only when kids are in th'ouse while tha's 'avin a wash.

8. Same goes f' thee flat cap. Only gaffers can wear proper 'at, like a Trilby.

9. Only poofs smoke proper fags. Roll-ups, whether tha's a lad or a lass is all tha can 'ave. Tha can smoke a pipe, but only when tha's more'n sixty. No lad or lass can smoke til they're five years old.

10. 'Owever 'ard tha thinks tha life is, it's nowt compared to 'ow it were f'yer Mam an' Dad. Stop y'bloody whinin. Gettin' a clout f' mitherin' an' bein' a big girl's blouse is the least y'can expect.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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