Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 1 February 2009

image for The Latest Fortune Cookie Messages The Fortunate Sun Fortune Cookie Message Company

SAN FRANCISCO, California - Every year The Fortunate Sun Fortune Cookie Message Company of Chinatown produces thousands of paper messages that are then placed inside of fortune cookies. These cookies are then distributed to Chinese food restaurants throughout America.

This year, as in years past, The Fortunate Sun Fortune Cookie Message Company would like to recognize its three top customers.

First is The Side Wok Cafe in Waterloo, Iowa. Ninety percent of its employees are of Chinese descent.

Next is The Giddy Geisha Girl Grill in Geneva, Georgia. This restaurant donates 10 percent of its annual profits to Hong Kong's Howie Hunan Home For The Homeless.

And third is The International Bamboo House of Egg Drop Soup located in Hoboken, New Jersey. Since opening in 2004, this establishment has provided over 20 scholarships to the prestigious Chopsticks University in Shanghai, China.

Hu Hu How has been the chief fortune cookie message writer for The Fortunate Sun since 1991. How is originally from China where he worked for many years as the senior executive painter in charge of painting over all of the graffiti that people would write on The Great Wall of China.

HHH has personally written over 9,000 fortune cookie messages.

Here Are Hu Hu How's Latest Fortune Cookie Messages:

  • Your blonde girlfriend not really blonde. You no believe fortune cookie, you ask girlfriend to let you see her cookie.
  • You like our food. You tell. You no like our food. You no friggin' tell nobody.
  • Remember no running in the hall. Especially with scissors or grenade launcher.
  • Never ever trust monk who own pit bull, rattlesnake, and AK-47.
  • You fill in blank please. One must have wood to make firewood. And one must have willow to make _____willow.
  • If outside during hurricane, it is good idea not to pee (for men only). For women probably not so bad idea.
  • Never try to put elephant in hammock. It no work worth a shit.
  • We no longer cook with cats. You're welcome.
  • Remember that every question has answer. Just like every woman has nookie cookie. Okey dokey. You betcha.
  • Today is your lucky day. You feel girlfriend's tit. She no really mind too much.

And remember the first English phrase uttered by Houston Rocket's star Yao Ming who in his first professional NBA game turned to one of his teammates and yelled, "Hey pass to me the basketball now bitch!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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