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Friday, 23 January 2009

image for Oh No Not Another Guide! Somebody else telling you what to do.

Navigating internet based fora and chatrooms can be a veritable minefield for the uninitiated, here is a simple guide to help prevent the noob from falling foul of the multitudinous, and oft times conflicting, rules of engagement.

(A) Acronym: Tactical deployment of these along with smilies are an invaluable asset when attempting to ingratiate yourself with the host community (an obsequious, fawning attitude is also helpful in this regard). They are also widely used to maintain a visible presence by the mentally or verbally challenged..or when you just got fkall to contribute.

(A/2) Arsehole: Be careful they are EVERYWHERE!

(B) Bastards: Heyy we all have off days.

(B/2) Broken Webcams: See Cybersex.

(B/3) Blogs/Blogging: As a general rule the comment sections are infinitely more informative than the OP. Blogging: If you decide to take up blogging and you want to get that visitor counter ticking like a good 'un, pick something to hate on (everybody likes to feel superior/victimised/marginalised/justified when exercising their tribal instincts) naked pics also work.

(C) Cybersex: A commonly used way to become acquainted with the opposite sex on the internet (it's the virtual equivalent to a bunch of flowers, a movie of her choice and a nervous peck on the cheek at the end of the night). Great care should be taken when indulging in casual erotic exchanges with 'bored and horny' 18 year old students as it is not without the realms of possibility she is actually an overweight semi-erect 48 year old council worker and labour party activist called Frank in an advanced state of undress. A malfunctioning webcam could be indicative of public sector pension security.

(D) Dilbert: A jawdroppingly unfunny cartoon that has been adopted as a totem by whinging desk jockey bloggers everywhere to illustrate their downtrodden professional penury (avoid it like the plague coz you'll only feel inferior when you don't get it).

(D/2) Data: After much deliberation I gotta say I prefer him to Spock.

(E) e-commerce: As yet nobody has been able to uncover what this internet phenomena actually is. Although it is rumoured to involve vague political soundbites, mail order marital aids and the advancement towards a cashless society.

(E/2) Email/Emailing: Properly managed your inbox can become a handy resource to keep you abreast of the latest trends and developments in counterfeit drugs/watches/handbags/magic pills that make your willy bigger, also you too can feel like a corporate bigshot as you rifle through the latest batch of multi million £/$/€ business propositions involving the theft of other people's money. Emailing: Fear not if you lose track of vital email records, the Gov' collects details on EVERYTHING!

(F) Flibbertigibbet: Just goes to show you that even 'really kewl cuss words' [sic] can have macabre origins.

More as I make it up...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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