Written by Hooch Harker
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Wednesday, 30 June 2004

image for The Greatest Game in Water Sharkball Rules

Never have I seen such a display of pure athleticism, pure determination and pure agility in all my life. This past weekend, I was invited to an obscure sporting event just off the coast of Hawaii. I was intrigued by the invitation: it claimed to be 'not only the greatest sporting event ever, but also one of the greatest kegger parties in history.' Additionally, there would be participants dressed in chain mail speedos. I couldn't resist.

The event delivered on all counts.

I don't know how exactly to describe that game; adjectives fail me in my endeavor to recount the glory and splendor of the afternoon, not to mention the endless beer. Here are a few things I do remember.
The game was called Sharkball. Vaguely, it seems that a bunch of great white sharks were put into this football field sized enclosure. An equal number of men in chain mail speedo's also got into the enclosure. The captain of the human team was a legend in the Sharkball world. His name is the Great White Hunter. I remember that, instead of tanks of oxygen, he wore tanks full of beer. According to him, he'd 'long ago learned to survive on low amounts of oxygen.'

Once everyone was in the 'field of play', a chum soaked football was dropped in the water. The first team to get the ball and make it to the 'goal' (the goal was either end of the enclosure - the sharks was painted red, the humans yellow) was the winner.

The Great White Hunter led his team to victory. The manuevers they pulled off in that game were beyond the skill of human language to express. I'd never seen anything like it and doubt that I ever will again. The diminutive crowd went wild when TGWH emerged from the tank with the ball. The din didn't dim as his teammates followed him: Farseeker, Elly Mage, Ho Chang, Rango, Boomer and Mino Hunter. They promptly went to the biggest keg and showed it who was boss.

Farseeker weaved through the crowd, explaining various unknown secrets of the game. Apparently he'd concieved the game years ago and when the Great White Hunter came along, they both realized it was time for the game to come alive. Farseeker also explained to me why this was such an important occasion. This was the reunion game for TGWH and crew; they'd retired over 2 years ago. But, this group of great white sharks had been badmouthing them for months. There was nothing they could do but accept the challenge. Play they did and I'm glad I was able to see it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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