Written by Gurmeet Mattu
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Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Willie's Wisdom - Let the Scottish Sage Solve All Your Problems

Dear Willie,

I have a small problem I was hoping you might be able to help me with. The thing is I have recently started going out with a very nice girl, but the thing is she's six foot two while I'm only five three and I'm afraid of heights.

Yours,

Tommy, Chicago

Dear Tommy,

I cannae see how that's a 'wee' problem. Seems to me that's eleven inches of a problem you've got there. You could try lying about your height but I reckon she'd see through that one. Also with your vertigo you'd be a danger climbing a stepladder to give her a snog, what with nosebleeds and all that, so the best I can suggest is to check out if she's got a wee sister mair suitable tae your requirements.

Willie


Dear Willie,

My 15 year old daughter tells me her ambition is to be a WAG. This surprises me as she shows no signs of being Chic Murray. Any suggestions?

Arthur, Paisley

Dear Arthur,

That's the problem wi' young lassies, they've just no idea of the work and effort that
goes intae being a Chic Murray. There's years of toil involved and probably a
university degree. If you get lucky she might just meet up with a fitba' player an' forget aw this nonsense.

Willie


Dear Willie,

I wonder if you could give me some fashion advice. Do you think purple satin pumps would go with cerise velvet harem pants. The boys in the shipyard are always on at me about this.

Big George, Glasgow

Dear George,

I'm not surprised yer pals are criticising ye. Have ye considered the health and safety
implications of wearing harem pants tae yer work. A cerise velvet biler suit would be
perfectly acceptable.

Willie


Dear Willie,

My husband won't allow me to buy non-stick pots for our kitchen as he says they make the food taste 'funny'. This of course leads to extra work for me in scouring our pans. Can you convince him that these modern marvels do not affect the flavour of food.

Jill, Adelaide

Dear Jill,

I'm afraid I can't agree with you on this one. As you know this non-stick carry-on was
pioneered by the space race, but what is not generally known is that yon NASA fellas got it wrong. What they were supposed to invent was non-stick food! Imagine what a boon that would have been. You read it here first.

Willie


Dear Willie,

We have been married for twelve years and the magic has gone out of our relationship. Can you suggest anything to re-ignite the spark?

Yours,

Ricky, Durban

Dear Ricky,

What ye must understand is that the marital shenanigans is constantly evolving. What kept yer gran and grandpa happy just won't do for the modern couple. What I would suggest is that ye get doon tae the library and get yersel wan o' thae manual things wi' aw the latest grips and holds. That should do the trick.

Willie

More Wisdom soon.

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