Written by IN SEINE
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Tags: Parents

Thursday, 8 January 2009

image for Preparing for Parenthood part 2

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and four pairs of knee-high socks. Attempt to put all the socks on the octopus. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper roller. Using only tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas ornament. Last, take a milk container, 3 boxes of tooth picks, and an box of Rice Krispies and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for rainy day arts and crafts.

Forget the BMW and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Take a family-size bag of popcorn and/or peanuts. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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