Written by Jesus Budda
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Sunday, 14 December 2008

image for How to talk shit like a professional Pretty soon you could be as great a talker of shit as this squirrel

Preface: This is another one of those "Jesus Budda self help advice columns". It's essentially shit. Which is good for the purposes of the article.

Learning Materials:

A human being with a voice box capable of emitting sounds(most likely yourself), a sarcastic tone, a light bulb (for use in darkened areas in which you need to see the person (s) you are about to talk shit to, a bag of dried nuts and a cup of tea(to munch on and drink while reading through this pile of shit)

Lesson 1 - The Art of Talking Shit

Ancient Chinese philosophers debated the merits of talking shit as much as 3000 years ago in the imperial palace at Jing Dong Sang. During a speech to his soldiers at the battle of Mai Lin Du, the then Quan Dynasty Emperor, Hidakuki noted that "to release ones inner sense of strength, one must first speak words of confusion and turmoil to engorge the enemies ears. Only then shall you judge victory to be by the sword".

That opening paragraph was essentially a piece of untrue shit tht makes little or no sense at all. Move on towards Lesson 2.

Lesson 2 - Choosing a Target

Theres no point talking shit to yourself, is there? Of course not, ya stupid prick. So, you need to find a good quality victim. It's generally best to choose someone smaller and weaker than you - although big, baldy bastards can be just as funny to annoy too.
Stand about 2 ft (24 inches) from the target with your weight spread evenly. Inhale some air then quickly say the very first thing that comes into your head. The more random and stupid the better.

Example 1: "Oh, I see you have a shit stain on your pants?"
Example 2: "I fucked your cat last night".

Wait a few seconds for your words to 'sink in' and wait. When ready, move on to Lesson 3.

Lesson 3 - Forming multiple sentences

You've made the first move but it's no good to just leave it at that. You need to add more sentences to add to the confusion and general shitty feeling.
Lets say you said to a man at a bus top something like "I can see you're a man who knows a lot about extraneous nipples and stumpy tails". Thats all well and good but you need to follow up with more shit.
Try this: "Then again, 'd expect nothing more from one of Gods heavenly angels".
Or the following combo: "I changed your mothers bicycle wheel yesterday. Lovely woman. Nice big face like a lump of melted butter."

Lesson 4 - Reacting to Criticism

talking shit requires a hard neck and nerves of steel. What do you do if the man turns around and smacks you in the mouth? Or kicks you in the magic mushrooms?
You need to deflate or escalate the situation with your shit. Yes, sometimes escalating the situation is the only viable option towards having a bit of a laugh.

Say if the man said something like: "Fuck off, weirdo!" or "I'll fucking kick your fucking face in ya little fucking shit!".
You would respond with: "This would have never happened in the Crimea" or "you can suck my dick on Wednesday, but I'm all booked out 'til then".

If a crowd has gathered (which is more often the case in public), the situation will be lightened by their laughter at your cheekiness.
This in turn will give you greater power to talk some more nonsense shit.

In Conclusion:
Congratulations! You have hopefully talked some shit today. But don't let it end there. Try different combinations by improvising with random lines, inventing words, targeting whole groups at once or even adding your own sound effects. You can even carry balloons!*

Revive the ancient art of talking shit and maybe you could become a professional bullshitter.


Jesus Budda

* Extracts from the book 'How to Piss People off without even trying', Shit Head Press, The Moon, The Milky Way

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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