Written by Rob Barratt
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Thursday, 4 December 2008

A Magazine Ate My Brain by Rob Barratt

Jordan's had a boob job
Charlotte's had a baby
I ate my own umbilical cord
With carrots, peas and gravy

Jordan's had a boob job
I wish I had her talents
Her breasts are always under threat
From chemical imbalance

Jordan's had a boob job
With silicone implanted
I slept with Elvis Presley's mum
When she got stuck at Stansted

Jordan's had a boob job
Her cups were never bigger
I had a brain swap recently
With Arnold Schwarzenegger

Jordan's had boob job
A boom and bust reduction
My lover's sex-change cat
Has lost a stone with lypo-suction

Jordan's had a boob job
My name is Johnny Cash
My boyfriend's brother's auntie's dad
Survived a fatal crash


Jordan's had a boob job
My gran's a serial killer
My love-cheat husband told me
He had sex with a gorilla

Jordan's had a boob job
Her new book's in the shops
It's really, really clever
It's got commas and full stops

Jordan's had a boob job
She knows that we adore her
She's not much good at writing
So somebody wrote it for her

Jordan's had a boob job
Her book's at number one
My neighbour's schizoid nephew
Thinks he's Che Guevara's son

Jordan's had a boob job
Who's having love affairs?
Who's going to marry Harry
And who really bloody cares?

Jordan's had a boob job
It's in "Hello" and "Chat"
Stick knives in the lives of famous wives
And snigger if they get fat

Jordan's had a boob job
Last week I was abducted
By men from Mars in bumping cars
I did as they instructed

They took me to the Planet Zob
And there I met Flash Gordon
I never get fazed but I was totally amazed
That he'd never heard of Jordan.

Last night I read for a while in bed
And I really felt no pain
But as I lay there sleeping
A magazine ate my brain

Jade Goody is a genius
The moon's made of baked beans ........
None of this is true .... as you doubtless knew
But it sure sells magazines

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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