Written by Mahavishnu BBZ
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Saturday, 22 November 2008

image for Spark Up Your Conversation - Become an Oddball! Clouds: Gods excuse for all the bad shit that happens.

Bored of the same tired, cliched, predictable exchanges we plough through every day to the point that you have begun wondering how many razor blades you have to gargle to make the perfect throat and face blood smoothie? No,me neither, but sometimes an alternative reply does spice things up a tad, and maybe you can even get that stiff backed waiter, bus driver, police officer, mugger etc to crack a rare smile!

Below are some examples of what I call deviational retorts, some call it sarcasm, lateral thinking or lack of psychotropic medication, but hey! You gotta make your own fun these days!

"Excuse me Sir, but do you have a reservation?"

"No, I live in a bungalow, with electricity and an indoor toilet"

"Could you get the door for me please?"

"No, its screwed in place with hinges, plus you dont look hungry enough"

"Haven't you got anything smaller?"

"Yes, but miniaturised photocopies aren't legal tender"

"Can you spare us a fag mate?"

"Sorry, I cant help you, I don't even know any homosexuals"

"Would you mind blowing into this bag sir"

"I'm sorry officer, but my lips are claustrophobic"

"This show's rubbish, Shall I see what's on the other side?"

"Don't bother, I've looked, it's just wires, various sockets and a warning sticker"

"How do you take your tea?"

"I have it frozen into cubes then catapulted into my mouth from a range of 30 feet"

"Are you looking at my bird?"

"Actually yes, its a medical anomaly, first woman I've ever seen with a 6ft arsehole"

"Do you have the time please"

"Damn! I got the turmeric, parsley, tarragon & chives, but forgot the bloody thyme!"

With these examples as a starter kit, practice your own, experiment and use your imagination! After just a week of using my methods, I can guarantee strange looks, a black eye, a truncheon on the legs and many more social rejections or your clich├ęs back, no questions asked.

Disclaimerator: This page is worth 0.0000001p, and the above guarantee couldn't even afford a full stop.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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