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Thursday, 6 November 2008

(Football Agent) Pierre Frelot : "Hello Is that Sky?, It's Pierre here, Calling from Paris, I'll get straight to the point, I have given up talking to Arsenal, let's face it, they hate me for recommending Mikael Silvestre, and well, William is very upset with Wenger for signing a load of crap Kids, he's tried everything, crying like a baby, slagging off his team-mates, smoking and drinking, but they just won't sell him, and now he thinks we should get a "Showbiz" Football Agent to sort out a move, or even better a new contract, are you interested?".

Sky Andrews : "You want me to sit, in a Boardroom, listening to those lunatics, all blaming each other for building those Flats they can't sell for hours on end? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Pierre Frelot : "The money's good?"

Sky Andrews : How much?"

Pierre Frelot : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Sky Andrews : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Sky Andrews : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the English Premier League, sorry about that Pierre, I'm really bust right now sorting out Sol Campbell's Autobiography, Thank God for those Tottenham Fans, worked a treat, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Pierre Frelot : "Who is that in the background?"

Sky Andrews : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Pierre Frelot : "Will he do it?"

Sky Andrews : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".

THE NEXT DAY

Danny Fiszman : "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy, trying to come up with a list of excuses for Arsene to use after yet another defeat, next weekend…".

Arsene Wenger : "Yeehhsss vat's wight, vich vones av ve only use 2 or 3 time? "

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Arsene Wenger : "¿Buuuttt, Errrrrr? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Butter? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Butter? "

Arsene Wenger : "¿Buuutttt, Errrrrr? "

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Arsene Wenger : "¿Buuutttt, Errrrrr? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Butter? " again! C'mon, say "¿Butter? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Butter? " one more goddamn time!"

Theo Walcott : "I am the new Head Boy and as the only English felllow, I'm also Arsene's interpreter, allow me!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what William Gallas looks like!"

Theo Walcott : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Theo Walcott : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Theo Walcott : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Theo Walcott : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Theo Walcott : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well William Gallas doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. William Gallas!", "And possibly Sol Cam, well anyway".

Theo Walcott : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you buy William on a Fuckin' Swap Deal thus negating his entitlement to a slice of the fee, then you play him at Left Back", "Then you sell the Keeper and all the good Defenders, leaving William to play along side Kolo Fucking Toure, he might as well play on his own", "And just who is charged with responsibilty of protecting the back four? Denilson Costa! Even Guy Ritchie couldn't make up shit like that!".

Gael Clichy : "But Denilson's World Class, We all are!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gael!", "You couldn't tackle a bowl of Onion Soup", "My man William will have his move"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Arsene Wenger : "Fuck It, Just give him what he wants, A Free Transfer, Pay His Contract Up!"

Theo Walcott : "Oh you speak Fucking English NOW do you?"

Danny Fiszman : "I'll sign the contract, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Butter? Shit?"

No.

Good.

Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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