Written by Aspartame Boy
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Friday, 31 October 2008

image for Scientists Rediscover the Joys of Methanol You don't need half this much, honest man

LITTLE ROCKS, AK - Scientists in this town have discovered a "new" way to get high with everyday household items. I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement to get this story, but being basically a crook, I gleefully reveal the details herein.

No, this is no candy and soda mixture that you make gushers of foaming mess up your nose with. I'm talking about heavily altered states of reality here.

To experience this new high here is what you need to get:

  • Five pounds of pure aspartame straight from the aspartame factory. Unless you are in the food business, this may be impossible, since it is not sold, or given away to anyone.. for fear that you might be an independent scientist. They must know about this! So just use whatever. Any white powder should be good.. accept sugar. Just clear it with your parents first, if they are sober. Otherwise, wait for them to sober up. Then ask them. No parents? Hey, faget about it. You are a parent? Why are you reading this?
  • A spoon, or a sharp knife if you like the taste of blood.

OK, now take the white powder and stick it under your tounge till gone. Repeat. At some point you will wake up.. (or throw up) really HIGH (or LOW).

Some of these scientists were drunks in school, sure. But they say NOTHING equals the joy they get from this.

Oh, if you don't have time for all this, just get a pack of chewing gum. Same principle.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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