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Monday, 27 October 2008

Garth Crooks : Hello Is that Johnny?, It's Garth here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have been sacked as a Pundit by the BBC, let's face it the Match of the Day Boys all hate me, I think I have a good case for Wrongful Dismissal it could be racially motivated, but we don't have any "Showbiz" Black Lawyers in England, are you interested?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Let me get this straight!", "You want me to put my impeccable reputation on on the line, and argue in a Court of Law, that you aren't the worst fucking pundit in the history of punditry? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Garth Crooks : "The money's good?"

Johnny Cochrane : How much?"

Garth Crooks : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Johnny Cochrane : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Sammy, can you please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the British Broadcasting Corporation, sorry about that Garth, I'm really busy right now sorting out a deal fo OJ Simpsons' Autobiography, Thank God those accusations keep on coming, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Garth Crooks : "Who is that in the background?"

Johnny Cochrane : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Garth Crooks : "Will he do it?"

Johnny Cocherane : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".

THE NEXT DAY

Gary Lineker: "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy choosing Shirts to wear for Saturday's show…".

Alan Shearer : "Haddaway Mon!"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Yammajordi? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Yammajordi? "

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Yammajordi? " again! C'mon, say "¿Yammajordi? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Yammajordi? " one more goddamn time!"

Mark Lawrenson : "I am the real Star, allow me! How can I help you"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Garth Crooks looks like!"

Mark Lawrenson : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Mark Lawrenson : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Mark Lawrenson : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Mark Lawrenson : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Mark Lawrenson : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Garth Crooks doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Garth Crooks!, or possibly Mr., anyway".

Mark Lawrenson : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you send him to report on Stoke thinking there won't be anything to talk about, then they beat Everton and it's a big story, lot's of air time, so you send him to Hull and they beat Arsenal, lot's more Garth time", "And then what? The Motherfucking Sunday Show MOTD2!"

Gary Lineker : "But he likes Adrian Chiles!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gary!"," Nobody likes Adrian fuckin' Chiles!, and then you give his job to that stupid Bitch Jacqui Oakley"

Alan Hansen : "That Defence was criminal!"

Samuel L Jackson : "I don't remember asking you a Goddamn thing!"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Alan Shearer : "Fuck It, Just give him what he wants!"

Mark Lawrenson : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

Gary Lineker : "Give Garth his job back, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Yammajordi? Shit?"

No.

Good.

Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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