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Friday, 24 October 2008

(Darren Bent's Agent) Ian Elliott : "Hello Is that Sky?, It's Ian here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have given up talking Tottenham Hostpur, let's face it , their all idiots, and they hate me for signing him in the first place, but Darren thinks we should get a "Showbiz" Football Agent to sort out a new contract or even better, a move, are you interested?".

Sky Andrews : "You want me to sit, in a Boardroom, listening to those lunatics, all blaming each other for appointing Ramos, for hours on end? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Ian Elliott : "The money's good?"

Sky Andrews : How much?"

Ian Elliott : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Sky Andrews : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Sky Andrews : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the English Premier League, sorry about that Ian, I'm really bust right now sorting out Sol Campbell's Autobiography, Thank God for those Pompey Fans, worked a treat, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Ian Elliott : "Who is that in the background?"

Sky Andrews : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Ian Elliott : "Will he do it?"

Sean Connery : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".

THE NEXT DAY

Daniel Levy: "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy, after yet another defeat, against Udinese, and what with Comolli leaving…".

Juande Ramos : "Hola. Cómo puede nosotros le ayudamos"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Juande Ramos : "¿Qué? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Qué? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Qué? "

Juande Ramos : "¿Qué? ".

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Juande Romos : "¿Qué? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Qué? " again! C'mon, say "¿Qué? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Qué? " one more goddamn time!"

Gustavo Poyet : "I am Juande's interpreter, allow me!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Darren Bent looks like!"

Gustavo Poyet : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Gustavo Poyet : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Gustavo Poyet : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Gustavo Poyet : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Gustavo Poyet : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Darren Bent doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Darren Bent!".

Gustavo Poyet : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you buy Darren for £17M, then you don't play him", "Then you sell Defoe, Keane and Berbatov leaving Darren to play all on his own"

Gustavo Poyet : "But he likes the Lone Striker Role!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gus!"
" So why did you buy Pavlychenko?",
"And then pay him more money than my man Darren?"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Juande Ramos : "Flip It, Just give him what he wants!"

Gustavo Poyet : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

Daniel Levy : "I'll sign the contract, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Qué? Shit?"

No.

Good.

Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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