Written by wildmand1
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Friday, 12 September 2008

The choice of Sarah Palin as a vice-presidential candidate of the United States of America has sent a message domestically and to foreign nations that Republicans will do anything to win.

Despite the fact that she is yet to be interviewed, the McCain campaign is enjoying a slight lead in the polls since Palin joined the ticket.

While it might be obvious to some Americans why McCain and Palin have gotten a bounce, it may not be so obvious to foreigners. Fortunately, an investigative reporter known only as MAX secretly video-taped a Wednesday tea ritual of his uncle Charles and uncovered a candid discussion between two elderly Englishmen on American politics.

Originally he was looking to see if his uncle was aware of the dent he had inflicted to the rear of his MG, but was profoundly impressed by the political foresight of his uncle's friend Terrance (despite missing a few minor details) and decided to share his discovery with the press. Below is a transcript of that conversation.

September 10th, 2008. Charles & Terrance sit down for their morning tea in Charle's flat, which overlooks a lovely garden outside London, England. They are both reading newspapers although Terrance's paper seems to have a few more pictures than articles.

Charles: Terrance, did you see this article suggesting that John McCain is leading the polls for the United States presidency? Did you find that a bit odd?

Terrance: Oh, I did brush over that Charles. Well, it's no surprise. Don't they have different political parties over there? I'm sure he's with the one in opposition of the one that imbecile Bush heads up. Not all that puzzling really.

Charles: No, no Terrance. He's a Republican! He's a member of the same party as George Bush, the man you just called an imbecile!

Terrance: Is that so? Well, I'm quite sure there's a very logical explanation. The man must have a lot of.. oh I don't know… pizzazz. He's probably very young Olivier-isk looking man with a lot of energy and gives dazzling speeches. I told you there were people in this world with a lot more charisma than that Obama fellow! He's probably very appealing to those "union" blokes, you know, one of the working fellows. You know how the Americans love their.... um, oh, what is it beneath the dogs..

Charles: I believe the term is under-dog. Actually old chap, he's 72 years of age, not exactly a tiddler. And it says here he owns seven homes! I'm not sure that would make him one of the working fellows you just mentioned either.

Terrance: Good gracious, Charles! 72? That's impossible. Why, that's a year older than me and I can hardly make it up the stairs of my flat?!! Don't they stay in office for 3 years at time? Why that would make him 75 when he'd be up for re-election!! No one's going to vote for a 75 year old man!!???... And seven homes? I don't think Prince Charles owns seven homes! What is he going to do with seven homes? My goodness! How lucky his wife must be to marry a man with such wealth! Well, it's a good thing they have those "vice-presidents." Sounds like this old chap will be using his quite abundantly. For Heaven's sake, he's 12 years past retirement! But I suppose in America they have all those wonderful drugs.... And don't those vice-presidents essentially run the country anyway? I mean, Richard Cheney - I refuse to call him that by that vulgar first name - practically ran the country while Mr. Bush was off being entertained by school children who were reading stories to him. Surely, he has a competent running mate who is undoubtedly supremely qualified to take office should something happen to the old chap.

Charles: Yes, um, he doeszzz have a running mate, only the papers seem to indicate that many Americans feel that they aren't qualified or ready to step in should something happen to Mr. McCain.

Terrance: Oh, Charles, don't be so stupid you bloody fool. What kind of tabloids are you reading? You don't understand Charles, in America the other side is always printing papers that suggest that someone is incompetent. They've been doing it for years and years! I'd be willing to bet he has had executive experience that's being undermined by the opposing side.

Charles: (Scanning the paper) Well SHE (Terrance's eyebrows raise in perfect unison after hearing this) has had some sort of executive experience, but I can't seem to find what is she was doing - very attractive lady, hmm, beauty pageant, that makes sense, Mayor, right you are, hmm….. PTA - not sure what the bloody hell that is.

Terrance: If I'm not mistaken I believe PTA stands for Pan Trans-atlantic Airlines. She's probably a former chief executive officer. Those chaps are typically quite clever with the old finances. I'm certain she's some sort of Wall street financial wizard given all the complaining the Americans are doing about their bumbling economy.

Charles: You're probably right. Well, it says here, Alaska, governor for 2 years.

Terrance: Alaska? Do you mean to tell me John McCain's running mate's name is Alaska and she has been a "governess" for 2 years? Poor girl. Was probably made fun of constantly for having been given a name like Alaska.. (Charles finds this humorous and can't bring himself to interject; Terrance continues) I suppose it is a bit odd that the Americans believe a governess is qualified to be president..? Oh don't get me wrong, I once knew a governess who had to take care of 4 children after their mother had all but abandoned them and run off to fulfill her own ambitions. If I'm not mistaken one of the children had some sort of social problem... I can't remember what it was but I remember thinking this woman should locked up and they should throw away the key for such treatment! It turned out that she was attracted to another ambitious old chap -much older and quite possibly senile - who was known for telling heroic war stories and promising some sort of world-altering change to all his "followers"... I know, quite silly and foolish, BUT he did have a loyal following. Well everyone -that is everyone who was sane and sober - knew this bloke and his snobby friends weren't going to change a bloody thing! Those blokes didn't give a pence about anyone, or TO anyone if you know what I mean! Eventually they were all ruined - emotionally, spiritually, and after four years of absolute despicable verbal abuse filled with empty promises by the old man, the mother finally answered her children's prayers and returned home.

Charles: Touching story Charles. What in bloody hell does that have to do with anything? We're not talking about a mother abandoning her children for her own ambition and following some senile old man to depths of hell, we're talking about politics! And for Heaven's sake Alaska - you bloody fool - is the state in which she governs, not her name! They don't have governesses!! It says here that Alaska is largest state in size but the second smallest in population. It's located close to Russia and looks as though it's attached to Canada.

Terrance: Charles, my dear friend, surely you know a misprint when you see one! I'm quite sure they meant to say that it is largest state in size the second largest population! (Terrance has a discovery) It really makes perfect sense Charles don't you see? This McCain chap is quite brilliant. Given her geographical location, as well as her geo-POLITICAL position, there is no doubt this woman is probably a seasoned traveler and been all over the world 20 times over. Who in bloody hell would wants to live in what's presumably a frozen tundra near Russia? In Alaska, passports are probably handed out to children during that spooky holiday! Good Heaven's - she's America's secret weapon when it comes to foreign diplomacy! Brilliant! Not qualified, come now Charles! You really need to read between the lines and stop being so naïve. The image of being such a strong, powerful nation is much too important to the Americans. By choosing someone who might be under qualified there's a chance they might seem weak in the eyes of other nations, or even the world. They're much more clever. And I will be the first to caution you that your hop-scotch to conclusions might one day prove to be problematic if you aren't careful. But since you brought up this issue of winning the election, what a brilliant move choosing a woman! Wasn't that Hilary Clinton quite popular?

Charles: Yes, Terrance, I believe she was. But she was part of same party as the Obama fellow.

Terrance: Yes, but Charles, don't you think this woman running with McCain has the same types of views as Mrs. Clinton? I mean think about it. The Americans are not happy with their current administration, and Mrs. Clinton was immensely popular and a rival of Mr. Obama. They hated each other! It makes perfect sense!

Charles: (scanning the paper again) Well, you might be on to something there Terrence. It does say something here about Mr. McCain going across party lines…

Terrance: Of course it says that you bloody fool! McCain is genius! It's really very brilliant. He has chosen woman who is a brilliant foreign diplomat with expertise in Russian relations who can neutralize foreign conflicts faster than you can boil a pot of tea. Doesn't she also have C.E.O. on his resume if I'm not mistaken? Not that I give a wish-wash about the US economy. But I do believe if this McCain fellow is successful it will be the best thing ever for the citizens of the U.K., and I don't give a wish-wash if Gordon Brown IS supporting Mr. Obama! Ms. Alaska will..

Charles: For Heaven's sake Terrance, her name is Palin, Sarah Palin.

Terrance: Any relation to Sarah Ferguson?

Charles: No Terrance, I don't believe so.

Terrance: Well, I happen to know a lot of Sarahs and I know that she will undoubtedly put an end to the war in Iraq. Mrs. Clinton was going to put an end to war in Iraq! And I'm certain Ms. Palin is Mr. McCain's Mrs. Clinton! Mr. Obama is probably in much great danger than we thought! Did you see the way Mrs. Clinton disarmed journalists as if she had a bazooka and they a water pistol?!! Politicians absolutely love interviews but I'm sure the press is having the utmost difficulty keeping up with the global-economic expertise she is dispensing at a relentless rate! And my good friend - didn't Mrs. Clinton have a lot rubbage from her past??! There's no way that's the case with Ms. Palin. She's from Alaska, the frozen tundra, how much trouble could she have possibly gotten herself into? Oh it's not looking good at all for Mr. Obama. Perhaps he should have sought out a running mate who might fill the chinks in his armor the way Ms. Palin is a virtual force field for Mr. McCain! Poor Mr. Obama and all his new-age, enviro-centric, honesty is the best policy, rubbish he's been spewing for months. He could really learn something from this McCain fellow. 72 you say..?? Perhaps there's still time for…

Charles: Oh shut-up Terrance!! And Enviro-centric? Where the bloody hell did you hear that term?

Terrance: Oh, Charles, I don't know… Probably the BBC - I simply don't recall and all this excitement has exhausted me. I'm 71 years old- you act as though I'm 46 with all the energy of spark plug! And you know Charles, I can't teach you everything about contemporary American politics. Perhaps you should turn on your telly - the advertisements between programming will give you ample information...

Terrance limps out of his chair and stumbles to the door. Charles is left shaking his head and resumes reading the paper.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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