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Wednesday, 10 September 2008

image for This season's football outlook Dive, dive, dive!

September

In London a sizzling afternoon of HOT-HOT-HOT is expected as Brazil come to town to meet a blustery Argentina, with highs of 3-0 and 22MPH westerly winds from Ronaldinho's tooth gap.

October

Sven will continue to be paid £12,000 a week dole money by the FA and will be seen easing further south claiming he was the one who invented the wristwatch and gave ABBA their big break.

North England will see t'best o'weather as high pressure moves up from'south and gets t'beating of a lifetime and called a 'soft southern front'.

Birmingham will be overcast.

November

Humiliating defeats will be confined to Scotland and Malta. David Beckham will be in and around L.A. sitting eating paste all day in his underpants. Showers over most of Scotland, with only a few breaks of sunshine (You k'now, like every other day) and mild easterly winds. However they can all look forward to a heavy session of England detestation and hatrid (Again, like every other day). England will support Scotland and wish them luck in all of their endeavours, especially the idea to let the Crankees sing their next World Cup song.

December

Newcastle will suffer another defeat but the outlook is bright as newly appointed manager Ozzy Ardiles, hiding behind a cardboard cutout of Kevin Keegan, claims "Were on the way up!".

Man United will come from 4-0 down against wigan to win 6-4 in the 156th minute after Alex Ferguson insists the referees watch is too fast and that the game is in fact only 8 minutes in, not 92.

There will be a warm feeling at Chelsea as Abramovich introduces the 381st player to join the squad. Some people criticise the move, however Abramovich gives a full explanation: 'Vivlod kakurahnich blonvaladska eh onvoun bo tuk. Vodka' loosely translated as 'Ive spent so much money on players that we can no longer afford to run the heating and the kettle at the same time, so I took the new lad on a free from Swanage to add to the body heat in the changing rooms'. Alan Hanson disparages the move, saying 'You cant win anything with 381 players'. They prove him wrong by going on to win their game, and later finish first in the South East Regional final of British Bulldog.

January

Theo Walcott will reach level 6 in 'Conversational French' meaning he can finally become a first team member of France's most succesful club team in recent years, Arsenal.

February

The latest European TV football ratings will show a huge reduction in total viewers compared to 3 years ago. A UEFA statement advises football fans that Setanta sports is in fact a channel which shows top European soccer games and not, as believed previously, Spanish alsation volleying.

March

Didier Drogba will narrowly beat Cristiano Ronaldo to win the 'Northern Hemisphere Sub-Aqua Diving Competition' and make him the only Mammal since Free Willy to own every diving award in West Dorset.

May

The season will end with Hull City topping the league table after every Premiership club is purchased by a foreign billionaire and the league is decided not on football but a large scale version of Monopoly. Bill Gates' Hull side manage to trounce Rupert Murdoch's Everton as he rolls a 7 and lands on community chest. His guaranteed 3-0 victory against Liverpool card means that 2nd place Everton need to get past Go to raise the 200 pounds to unmortgage the Pie shop at Goodison Park, provider of 68% of net income, in order to buy Emile Heskey and his guaranteed 4 goals a season. Unfortunately Murdoch rolls 3 doubles and ends up off side. Gates takes the season when he lands on water works and consequently floods the nations football pitches. Only an England-Germany world cup qualifier produces a goal when the Germans bring on their sub.

Despite finishing 4th Man Utd defend the season as a success when Wayne Rooney wins a beauty contest and collects £10 from each player.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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