Written by maverick58
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Tags: Space

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

image for SaturnShip-One

From a NASA press release: NASA Confirms Liquid Lake on Saturn Moon "PASADENA, Calif. -- NASA scientists have concluded that at least one of the large lakes observed on Saturn's moon Titan contains liquid hydrocarbons, and have positively identified the presence of ethane? ""Detection of liquid ethane confirms a long-held idea that lakes and seas filled with methane and ethane......

Methane and ethane happen to be the main ingredients of natural gas.

Now read on.........

At the Open Vulture Abdominal Lactic room aboard SaturnicShip-One:

"Order, Order", screamed the President Of Titan, Uncle Saturn, frothing from two of his seven mouths. The other five mouths were tightly shut. They were tightly shut because the Vice-President, Dumbus Chickeney had taped them with the Velcro roll that the Earth probe had littered the beach with rolls of them after it had spotted the Ethane-Beach Patrol and then proceeded to dive into the black lake from which heavenly ethane vapours emanated. Dumbus Chickeney had a smirking glum look on all his seven faces as he cast his fourteen eyes at the gathering and said, "S[h]it, stand or gawk but I swear on all the croc-morphs, that all of you shall contribute to this laconic emergency gab-fest our revered idiot in place has ordered much against his not-so-free-will. His will is mine and so are all the Presidential Pardons he will issue later when the eclipse of Milky Way is over, which will be in 31 tol-mins and 6 tol-seconds.If you dont co-operate or burp-warble your reply, be warned that you shall be deported to a place called Park Avenue in the Big Applopolis on that playground for self-centred nincompoops, which they themselves have labeled Earth. If the United Nationanalus translator fails, you are permitted to waggle your booties in assent. Am I clear?"

The speaker of the Nerdlivers, Nancubatos Pelvisci, burped and proposed a resolution that Earthmen should be allowed, with permits, to drill only on Titan, not on Earth and no where elsewhere in the Multiverse. She burped further, "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know. Conservation on Planet Earth should not be encouraged so that they run out of the hydro-carbons that they seem to worship and this should be your agenda, Dumbus Chickeney, of course after we all hear what the other five mouths of President Of Titan Uranus Saturn say. Shall we call him Dubyusidiotus during the term of this meeting? "

"Yes you may", said Dubyusidiotus, holding onto Dumbus Chickeney's reproaculus erectus for immoral instability as he espied Cundleezus Ricin sashay up through the below deck after a romp he suspected with Karlus Rovulus, his former ego-masseur and agent exterminator par excellence. One of his black-gloved arms patted down his rising zipper and he sighed from both his open mouths, chortling as he did so because the rest of his five were Velcroed. He motioned for Nancubatos Pelvisci to continue as his Parse-anal Masseur began his gentle manipulations that allowed him to doze through most of such meetings.

Continuing, Nancubatos Pelvisci, farted through her exposed rear-end," Your energy policy sucks big time, Dubyuidiotus, cause you are allowing the Hydrocarbon Companies flourish at the expense of advancement here. They do not bring back their Earth earnings and put it in our economy, choosing rather to splurge on Earth creatures called Dumb Blondes and colored wheels that spin and stop and take their money in chips that cant be munched. And of course also on black leather garments that come with whips and screams by some hired Huendins. You are just trying to distract all of us that the Earthlings would send supply ships to take back all this useless wastes from our lakes. At least their vapours are a relief from the sulfide vapours from Mother Saturn."

[SaturnicShip-One shook once in jarring. Everybody looked at each other and let out sulfide through their rear ends. The ship yaw-yawed in appreciation. Mother Saturn never took even the slightest of the slights, sun-speed-lightly.]

"Ahem", flared Dubyusidiotus red in 3 faces and purple in 4 faces, " Its the Americans, as they like to call themselves, although they should call themselves Opportunistusbastardus, out there who have planted and nurtured the evil Idea that the Hydrocarbons are essential to life and not the Sun, the wind and the very skies from where WE have tapped. We gave them HAARP, but they use it as a weapon..." As, Dubyusidiotus, flared this through his 14 nostrils, thereupon came a blackout knock. [A blackout knock in genteel circles, is known as permission to s[h]it on the Grand Table of GabFest and, well, to gab in dissension at the risk of getting one's private SaturnCar undocked and thrown into descending orbit that would end in a trench on Earth called the Grand Canyon, thereby exciting the Mayans in the 7th dimension to no end and the Earthlings in the 3rd dimension to bow and scrape in frenzied-proclaim that 2012 was totally unreal and irrelevant. But suffice to say, it was Ralphus Naderitis who wanted in].

The flunky Collenitis Powellees let him in and quickly munched the nuts that Ralphus had re-grown since he last attended a meeting on the Titan's Ethane-filled beaches. There happened to be a few more SaturnicShip-One jarrings and all the usual suspects were let in, after the Natal Securulus Aidsilus vetted them with the Asynchronous Immunulus Deceitful Testiculus and was performed on them and their SaturnCars. The Galactic Medialatti went into collective heights of cumminglus, gratifying Murdockulus in his multi-tubed imagined harp-filled version of freeware heaven on the yacht purchased from Correlonius at the banks of Hades that flowed pleasurably painful in lapping langour through the wormholes of the fabric of the Multiverse.

"Are we clear?Have we got the quorum?", whimpered President Of Titan, Uncle Saturn.

A discordant chorus of Ayes rent through the United Analus beating treblically through the collective ear canals which made Clintonus, whose head was being orally questioned by Monicus on the sand-speckled beach of Hillarious's boy friend's mother-in-law's former girl friend's sprawling home by the sea as serenated by Phillus Collinus, to jerk. Clintonus, an agent of the Cunning Idiots Association, became all ears.

Present at the GabFest were, Senatasex Majorjustcame Ladderitis Reidus, President Of Titan, Uncle Saturn-hopeful Johnny McCaindroopingus from the Republicants,Obamus Baracklessus of the Demonitisick Particleitis and not to be left out, Algorthim Gorillus.

Senatasex Majorjustcame Ladderitis Reidus, wheezed,"No further exploration of extraterrestrial sources should be allowed. We must know who authorized the use of Non Atomic Shittinginspace Agency for prospecting. I think that this Senatesex should go beyond"

President Of Titan, Uncle Saturn, began his usual diatribe against the Demonitisick Particleitis for blocking energy proposals, darkly hinting that the rednecks were already upto the falling price of Hydrocarbons because of controlled leaks of the meeting taking place above Titan.He further whined that Obamus Baracklessus had absolutely lost his marbles while playing on the ethane beaches of Titan and was frantically covering up by asking for transplants from Jupiter's Ionids who always were losing them on their chlorine beaches." The stink is nauseating", he thundered through both his mouths.

In the meanwhile, President Of Titan, Uncle Saturn-hopeful Johnny McCaindroopingus, telepathically leaked to Barber Walrus that SaturnShip-One would not be withdrawn from the vicinity of Saturn until its mission has been accomplished. Moreover, he nasally dripped that, as President he will assure that methane or ethane or whatever from Titan will be delivered to Americans at the gas stations free of any spacewayfrantictodeliver tax.

The Demonitisick Particleitis National Committee immediately called up, Barber Walrus's show and chargged that, This has, Dumbus Chickeney's greasy prints all over it and we should expect that Balihurton will get a no-bid by anyone contract that would negate all the spacewayfrantictodeliver tax as proposed by Johnny McCaindroopingus.

Back on Earth as the controlled leaks spread, the ethanol producers threatened to switchover to corn and other cereal production and also demanded that any hydrocarbon imported from anywhere else other than earth should be subjected to a trial-levy of $500 per gallon over and above the usual wallet depleting tariffs. Obamus Baracklessus pointed out that the SaturnShip-One mission is a cooperative project of Non Atomic Suckerus Agency, the Eureka Suckers Agency and the Italianus Mafiosi Agency. "As a guy with a funny name," he says, "I will be willing to enter talks with the Grand Titan with no preconditions provided they agree to change."

Finally, Algorthim Gorillus, wrapped up the GabFest by pointing out that the probe from Titan had beeped the message that the lake in question was, "Evaporating. It is ringed by a dark beach, where the black lake merges with the bright shoreline which is a very inconvenient truth." and smirked as he called up his ether warming and polluting SaturnicCar to go back. As a parting shot, he said "There is a growing consensus that the results of our profligate ways are not restricted to our own solar sytem."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top