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Thursday, 21 August 2008

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Moscow, August 13, 2008: The Russian Federation has released emails concerning lost KGB memoranda sent to Soviet (USSR) state officials, by a KGB operative. This correspondence sheds some light on Soviet and American intelligence activities in the waning days of the cold war. The translated emails are provided below:

THE FEDERAL SECURITY SERVICE
OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION (FSB)

15 May 2008

TO: Vladimir Putin
FROM: Nikolai Patryushev
SUBJECT: Ivan Stroganoff (KGB)

My Dearest Prime Minister Vladimirovich,

As once an officer in the KGB and former head of the FSB, I thought you might be interested in a rather surprising development. We have been in touch with Ivan Stroganoff, who has asked us when he may return to the motherland. Comrade Ivanovitch was the KGB, now FSB, mole working in NATO for 25 years.

Ivanovitch informs us that in 1987-1989 he sent a number of memoranda to Viktor Mikhailovich Chebrikov (head of the KGB) and Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev, (General Secretary of the Communist Party). In these papers Ivanovitch claims he said "that NATO, with the exception of the USA and British military forces, is a Paper Tiger (actual translation is, a bunch of pussies) that could not stand up to the Red Army or fight its way out of a wet paper bag." He also states "things are so bad at NATO, the French have threatened to rejoin the organization to be with the losers."

During 1987-1989 the KGB had the American embassy under constant surveillance, following President Reagan's "tear down this wall" speech. Other than a few cockroaches, there were no more useful bugs in the American embassy in the late 1980's. The Americans were on to us and planed to build a new embassy. The pest exterminator at the embassy was our man and he did see Congressman Charlie Wilson (D) TX visiting the CIA's Moscow Chief of Station every three months. We now conclude that there must have been an active CIA Mole in the Kremlin's KGB liaison office.

Yesterday we sent a team of FSB agents to search the old KGB liaison offices in the Kremlin. The lost Memoranda were found stuffed behind a commode in an unused restroom. The reason I tell you all this is that the USA and British military forces fighting in Afghanistan are performing magnificently, while the rest of NATO forces sit on their butts.

Nikolai


THE PRIME MINISTER, RUSSIAN FEDERATION

18 May 2008

TO: Nikolai Patryushev
FROM: Vladimir Putin
SUBJECT: Ivan Stroganoff (KGB)

Nikolai, now you tell me this! Maybe, I can figure out some way to reestablish the Russian empire in Europe and Asia.

Regards, Vladimir

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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