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Monday, 18 August 2008

image for Computer Repairs Explained By A Technophobe Repairing a broken computer can be easy with these simple instructions

Do you need help installing some new things on a computer or repairing your system? Are you an older person that has not grown up around computers or is using their first computer?

If so, follow my easy, step by step instructions and you will make your life with computers (and their problems and glithches) a snap.

Cookies:
Your computer may give you an error message and tell you that you need to install or enable cookies. This is an easy process that can be accomplished in a few, simple steps.

1. Get a bag of Oreo cookies (having the gooey, cream filled center is a must). Chips Ahoy is okay, because of the chocolate chips, but Pecan Sandies or plain old sugar cookies will not work.

2. Mash up the cookies with a hammer, mallet, or rolling pin.

3. Unscrew and remove the cover on your CPU. Be sure to leave the computer turned on, however, throughout the installation process.

4. Tell your computer in a clear, loud voice (so that it can hear): "Hey computer, I'm installing cookies now." It is best if you pick up your mouse and speak clearly into it, due to the microphone properties of the mouse.

5. Pour the cookie crumbs into the machine.

6. Pour in a tall glass of milk (as milk and cookies always go together).

Note: If you are using a public computer such as one at work or in a library, make sure that you double the amount of milk.

Illegal Operations:
Sometimes, your computer will tell you that it has performed an illegal operation.

When this happens, you should treat your machine like a child who has been bad or naughty.

Simply unplug your machine and set it into a corner for a short time. You may also wish to put it into "time out" or send it to bed without supper.

If the problem persists, you may wish to wash the computer's mouth out with soap.

Printer Problems:
Sometimes, your computer will tell you that it cannot find the printer. Simply look at your computer and tell it where the printer is located (three feet to the left, etc.). Remember that your machines might have been playing hide and seek or that the computer may not have seen the printer (if it is hidden by a cabinet or something).

If your computer tells you that it is not communicating with the printer, understand that they have had an arguement and are not speaking right now.

As with most people, give your computer and printer a day to cool off and then try talking them both through the problem.

If, on the otherhand, you get a message that your printer is jamming, understand that this does not involve the computer at all. The printer is simply getting together in cyberspace with other computers and having band practice.

Viruses:
If you learn that your computer has been infected with a virus, treat it like you would treat yourself.

Chicken soup and doses of NyQuil are recommended. Also, you may wish to slather Vick's Vapor Rub onto the monitor screen and hook up a vaporizer/humidifier in the night time.

The steam from frequent hot showers can also help to clear up any conjestion within the computer or printer.

Conclusion:
I hope that these simple, easy to follow instructions can help you run your new computer.

If, however, they are unable to fix the problem, then you have obviously done something wrong. In that situation, find a twelve year old to come in and fix it. They are probably the ones that have to program the clock on your VCR and microwave oven anyway (so that they are not always flashing 12:00).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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