Written by Evan Essence
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Monday, 14 July 2008

By posing as an unscrupulous armaments dealer, celebrated Spoof writer, Evan Essence, found his way into the inner sanctum of US Vice President Dick Cheney's bullet proof and bomb proof bunker...generally considered to be the safest and most secure place on the planet.

Excerts of this interview follow:

Giuseppe Gotti Lombardozzi: So, if I provide all of the cocaine needed to keep the US troops in Afghanistan psyched up and ready to fight...then...when the war spreads to Venezuala, you will give me exclusive rights to sell all the weopons to both sides in the Venezualan conflict?

Dick Cheney:[snarling] Thats right, Giuseppe! After Iraq and Afghanistan, we will be invading Iran. After Iran, we will be taking on Pakistan. And, as soon as that invasion is well under way, we will start to teach that idiot Hugo Chavez not to open up his mouth, anymore. Thats when you hit pay dirt, with unlimited weopons contracts.

Giuseppe Gotti Lombardozzi: I don't doubt your word, Mr. Vice President! I only want clarification of one point... With the US economy in such fragile condition...with the US $8 trillion in debt.....with bridges crumbling....and with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae facing collapse...and stagflation bringing consumer spending to a screeching halt....will you really be able to continue spending $6 billion / month on global conquest?

Dick Cheney: ... WHAT!!! You don't understand! John McCain has promised to continue our Eternal Unending War to Incite Terrorism! He will push Ever Onward for the Glory of God, Country, and the Conquest of the Global Oil Fields! We can never end our Eternal Mission!

Giuseppe Gotti Lombardozzi: Well....Sir...of course.... I'm only too happy when my wagons are filled with buckets of Gold! All I am wondering is....if the US economy is facing total collapse...and economists tell us the Feds hands are tied, because the US debt is so astronomical in size....and that whatever they do, now...either raise interest rates, or lower interest rates....will have a disasterous outcome and will push us into another Great Depression...is it really possible to continue spending trillions of dollars that we don't have...for "the Glory of God" and "Eternal Global Conquest"....and all of that?

Dick Cheney: Wha...! [Grasping heart] SHELLEY!!!....This man is an Al Queda sympathizer!! Get the shackles...AND SEND HIM FOR WATERBOARDING!!!

[End of Interview]

Evan: It looks like they are going to take away my Blackberry....so this will be my last text message. Hey...someone get me an ACLU lawyer! They are sending me to Guantanamo Bay!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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