Written by Igor Biscanator
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Tags: balls, Money, Music

Saturday, 12 July 2008

image for Cristiano. My Story: The Day In The Life Of A Slave

I wake up to the defening noise of a brash Scot. "Get those balls out there, those boots need cleaning, wheres my morning tipple?" He bellows. I try to block it out by humming my favourite music, Swan Lake. He bursts through the door "Theres ye wages ya scumbag, but ya barely erned it!". The envelope of money nearly hits me, just misses but I go down anyway in hope of some sympathy. I told Sep about it and asked Arsene to back me up but when it he comes with he claims he didnt see it. I was furious I threw my arms into the air but knew deep down it would make no difference.

I cried on my way to the bank, whats the point I asked myself, £110,000 per week its barely worth the effort to go to the bank. Still, I had football practice later and always look forward to that. Spirits seem low at football. Wayne had to sell his Bentley to pay for his wedding he gets even less than me, we often joke about how he gets by. We sing a few songs to keep spirits up as Alex whips us around the field kicking boots at us as we run screaming "Come on! Faster! Ye arr all worthless an dont ye forget it!". It is very tiring, Rios top lip brushes past me so I drop to the ground for a bit of rest. The lads gather round to make sure I am ok, they are a good bunch but I can see they are about to crack.

Sepp appears at the end of the football pitch with his new friends Michele and Ramon. Alex looks very annoyed and runs over and hurls a whiskey bottle at them shouting "I dont need yer bloody money!" Michele shouts back "I'm going to have all of you stupid English slave runners banned! You'll never trade again in Europe!". Ramon tries to calm things, I can hear him talking "How much for for the ugly greacey one" he says. I thought he meant Wayne at first, but he points to me. I jump up off the ground like nothing had happened. Alexs tells them to get lost, I can see he is angry and we all know whats coming. Only twenty minutes in the air conditioned team changing rooms, I was only able to marmite half my hair. I get my Ferrari and drive home, I say home it only has 5 bedrooms and 3 Acres of land. Roman promised me so much more, I hope he can come to rescue me from this hellhole

Surely Sepp or Ramon can save me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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