Written by Scott Nairns
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Tuesday, 17 June 2008

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It's quite ironic to think that with so many players dropping out of Scottish squads, this could well be a reality.

The rules are simple; all players have to be media figures, famous individuals or sports personalities and be in no way linked officially to any professional football club.

Here's my Scotland attempt:

John Leslie (goalkeeper): Already a famous goalkeeper with his training stints with Hibernian whilst still working with Blue Peter, Leslie would fill what I consider to be the most important position in the team. I'm sure he'd take a bit of ribbing from his team-mates, but I'd also put him in charge of the pre- and post- match entertainment.

Robert Carlyle (centre-half): Trainspotting's Begbie - enough said. I actually considered him for the goalie's position as a kind of 'Monk', but reckon he's better keeping most of his challenges outside of the box. The referee will possibly search him for a skean dhu [ceremonial Highland dagger], but if the ref is Mike McCurry he'll be OK.

Paul Ferris (captain, centre-half): Notorious Gangland figure and author, Mr Ferris can actually play anywhere he wants, but protecting the goalie would be his task. Would agree to play no problem and we'd make him captain as well. If by any chance someone got past Begbie, opposition attacks would be come to naught under the steely glare of PF.

Ford Kiernan (right-back): Comic famous for 'The Neds' on 'Chewing the Fat', he could easily run up and down the flank with all the running he does to get away from the rozzers with the TVs and stereos he steals. We'd have to keep him away from the pies at half-time, though.

Billy Connolly (left-back): He'd only agree to play for 45 minutes, at the Celtic end. Assuming he wins the toss, (which he will), he could play the first half flicking his hair and playing with his beard in front of his beloved Timaloys. If things go wrong on that flank, he and Gordon Ramsay could have some funny exchanges going on.

Tommy Sheridan (right-wing): Solidarity politician, He'll get the shock of his life and we expect legal proceedings galore from political left-winger Tam, but it's either that or he gets a seat on the bench. Already a major figure in the world of junior football, he's also quite handy in the boxing ring, so he'll be good for mixing it in the midfield.

Rod Stewart (central midfield): We need sexy football, and Rod is the man to carve out the openings, and spray passes around Hampden. He's trained many times with the full team so we'd expect maybe a call-off a few hours before the game, but if he did turn up he'd be in.

Stephen Hendry (central midfield): OK, he's hardly a well-known Scottish hardman, but he's composed and articulate, if a little mousey. Precision passing, a cool head, and able to work on mental strength here. Always thinking two passes in front, Steven could be our Kenny Dalglish. A born winner.

Gordon Ramsay (left-wing): What can you say, perfection, guts, determination, commander of everything in build-ups, never hides, and did you know he once played for Glasgow Rangers? (yawn!) He's patriotic, mad as a hatter, and takes no 'dogs dirt' from anyone. A second captain.

Rab C Nesbitt (forward): Glasgow icon Rab going on those mazy, almost gliding shuffles/stumbles will have any defence wondering exactly where he's going, not that he'd know himself, but I'm confident with Stephen's precise passing we'll land goals. As long as Rab's going in the right direction.

Stuart Cosgrove (forward): The BBC Scotland pundit would be playing just off Rab, in fact will he get anywhere near Rab? Stuart knows the meaning of the game, he certainly talks it. Here's his chance to show us all just how much of an expert he truly is. Bit harsh there, but he'd have to wear contacts, and possibly breathing apparatus.

SUBS:

Greg Hemphil- Possible replacement for Billy Connolly

Jim Watt - Need him to keep count of the punches

James Cosmo - Definitely a replacement for Cosgrove

Scott Harrison - Possible replacement for Rab C Nesbitt

John Smeaton- Waterboy

Sean Connery - MANAGER

Pat Nevin- TECHNICAL ASSISTANT (to Stuart Cosgrove)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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