Written by Steddyeddy
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Wednesday, 11 June 2008

image for Understanding Your MP A narrow escape

With a general election soon to be in the offing, when the run-up begins, you are bound to receive a visit to your door from at least one MP. Here is a definitive guide to what they say and mean.

When they say 'Hello' they really mean 'I've ignored you for the last 5 years, but now I'm here again".

When they ask 'How are you?', they really mean "Please don't tell me now, as I really haven't the slightest interest in your health, only your vote'.

When they say 'Cute little baby' they really mean 'Ugh, the noisy and smelly brat has snot coming out of its ears'.

When they ask 'Can I count on your vote' they really mean 'You look like an extremely stupid person'.

When they say 'Our Party is the one for you' they really mean 'Our Party is the one for you'.

When they say 'If I'm elected I promise I will look into it for you' they really mean 'The minute our conversation in finished I will have completely forgotten that you exist'.

When they say 'We are going through a world recession' they really mean 'Our policies were a complete disaster and we made a complete balls of everything'.

When they say 'We'll fight unemployment' they really mean 'We are going through a world recession'.

When they say 'I represent the xxxxx party' they really mean 'Can't you see the rosette, you blind twat'.

When they say 'I agree with you' they really mean 'I need your vote, so I'd be a twit to disagree with you, even though I think you're talking a pile of cow-dung'.

When they say 'I can sympathise with you because my mother is a pensioner too' they really mean 'And my father owns a chain of supermarkets'.

When they say 'I strongly believe...' they really mean 'I've never thought about it much.'

When they say 'That's a very good question' they really mean 'I wish you hadn't asked me that one.'

When they say 'No matter where your sympathies lie, it is your duty to vote' they really mean 'If you're not going to vote for me, then for heaven's sake stay away from the polling station'.

When they say 'Just because I'm a Tory, it doesn't mean that I agree with everything Mr Cameron says' they really mean ' All Hail the Blessed Dave, Earthly Lord, Master of my Soul and my Destiny'.

When they say 'Just because I'm a Socialist, doesn't mean I'm a Communist' they really mean 'We'll keep the Red Flag flying.'

When they say 'Just because I'm a LibDem, it doesn't mean I'm a crank' they really mean "Not only will we make sex with the under-aged legal, but we'll actually make it compulsory.'

When they say ' Blibble clibble flump drimp glub cubbily poo' what they really mean is 'Just because I'm a LibDem, doesn't mean I talk a load of cobblers'.

When they say 'It's been very nice talking with you, but I really must be going' they really mean 'Let me out of here as you're obviously going to vote for me and there's no point in me wasting any more of my time on you.'

When they say 'Look forward to seeing you again soon' they really mean 'Look forward to you moving so that I won't have to see you in five year's time.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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