Written by William Hale
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Monday, 9 June 2008

- At the IAAF World Athletics Tour meeting in New York, Jamaica's Usain Bolt set a new World record for the men's 100m in a time of 9.72 seconds. Bolt said he wasn't even trying to set a record. It turns out, Bolt is a super-delegate and was just running away from Hillary Clinton.

- John McCain continued to complain about the press saying today's headlines are more about "show" than "facts." McCain said back in his day, the papers only reported facts. Like when he turned five, the headlines read, "Rome Burns: Nero nowhere to be found."

- Fredric J. Baur's, the inventor of the Pringles can, past away yesterday and per his wishes, his ashes were buried in a Pringles can. The good news, he will most certainly be kept fresh. The bad news, this guy definitely died with a chip on his shoulder.

- According to a report to be released by antivirus software McAfee Inc. the most dangerous domains to navigate are those ending in ".hk" (Hong Kong), ".cn" (China) and ".info" (information). The number one most dangerous site on the web… "www.GeorgeBushWasRightOnIraq.hk.cn.info"
For some reason, you can get into this website, BUT YOU CAN'T GET OUT!

- Reports are Hillary Clinton is still hanging around the race because she wants Obama to pledge to pay for her campaign debt. I think Obama should say yes. Then, when she comes to pick up the check, he should be like, "Oh, I thought this was a pledge much like your 'Michigan and Florida won't count' pledge."

- The Wall Street Journal reports that Ed McMahon is $644,000 in arrears on his $4.8 million home in Beverly Hills, and now faces forclosure. McMahon said he found out when he received a letter in the mail from "The Publisher's Clear-Out-Your-House Sweepstakes."

- Jane Clark, a Fox News employee, has sued the station over what she called, "Emotional distress due to a continuous and ongoing biting bedbug problem at work." Charges were later dropped once it was discovered the bedbugs were actually Bill O'Reilly and Karl Rove.

- Maxi Mounds, a Florida stripper, has set a record for the world's largest augmented breast in the Guinness Book of World Records. She tipped the scales having a 36MM cup size with each breast weighing 20 lbs. She said the only bad thing is she had to cut holes in her matress just to sleep on her stomach.

Her children are easily recognizeable now. Not because their mom is famous, but because they are the only kids in school with stretch marks around their mouths.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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