Written by Steddyeddy
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Monday, 2 June 2008

image for Saturday Diary I said diary, not dairy!!!!!!!!!!

Had a fantastic day celebrating England's win in rugby.

Or was it in Derby? Or was it a win at all? Or am I confusing it with "Britain's got Talent?"

Well, it's not that I was at the match or talent show exactly, or that I even watched either or both on television, but I could tell something was up because of the amount of Carlsberg Lager people were buying from the supermarket when I went shopping at 6pm.

I had been instructed by the wife to purchase some "low fat" (always thought that was the name of our local Chinese Take-Away) red cheese, and found out something that made me suspicious.

All the red cheese - the normal, the "Be Good" to yourself, the simply red cheese (the stuff Mick Hucknall buys), the super-duper "Taste the Difference" and the Con You Sir, oops, I mean Connoisseur red cheese contained EXACTLY 33.7g fat per 100g.

That, to me, is one of life's true con-incidents, oops, I mean coincidences.

Were they perchance from the same batch, only packaged differently and sold at varying prices?

Or was I being a little too harsh on the supermarkets who offer on the one hand, such good value to the farmers, and on the other save the local shopkeepers from paying rent (er, by forcing them out of businesses)?

There were also a few logistic problems at the checkout - one of those multi ones for baskets only, where 4 operators sit back to back.

The Sikh checkout didn't want to sell a joint of beef, while both the Jewish and Muslim operators didn't want to sell bacon. The Jehova's Witness was refusing to sell a man sanitary towels. And L Ron Hubbard would only serve accredited Martians. Then the supermarket team leader (spotty oik with a headphone wearing a really grubby shirt) with came into the fray not wishing to speak to anyone who wasn't related to either someone with an OBE, or who, at the very least, had an Oxbridge education.

After all this excitement, I then dashed home to watch the X Factor, only to find out it hadn't been on for weeks, having been replaced by some reality programme or other called the "Six O'Clock News".

So had to make to with the extremely unfair BBC lottery programme, "In it to Bin it" or some such name. This programme is unfair, because, it's complete luck whether you get chosen to take part at the beginning of the show, yet a last minute contestant can, in theory, get to the podium and win all the money! Which is far more than the idiotic ticket-buying public get to do.

However, I rest assured in this excellent use of licence-fee payers money.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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