Written by Gene Mason
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Sunday, 18 May 2008

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The National Collegiate Athletics Association has issued a sweeping judgement on the nicknames of all universities which compete in the Football Bowl Subdivision.

This action is largely a response to pressure from Americans Silencing Senseless Harassment Of Liberals Everywhere, a PC watchdog organization that focuses on being offended by sporting events it never attends.

The report declares each program's moniker either acceptable or offensive. Programs will be given the death penalty effective in 2009 if they do not ban nicknames deemed offensive by the NCAA in the report.

Programs that cannot submit an acceptable new nickname to the NCAA but wish to continue competing may call themselves the "Persons" until they can submit an acceptable nickname.

Beginning today with the Atlantic Coast Conference, TheSpoof.com will be publishing the report as a twelve installment series, covering one conference each day.

NCAA Report on Acceptability of Atlantic Coast Conference Sports Program Monikers

Boston College Eagles- Findings: crass flaunting of symbol of American imperialism, as well as exploitation of an endangered species. Judgement: offensive.

Clemson Tigers- Findings: a sexist slap in the face of tigresses everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Duke Blue Devils- Findings: "Devil" is a Christian concept. Although Duke is a private university, its extensive competitive and cooperative relationships with public universities still create a violation of separation of church and state when it plays road games at public universities. Also, there are many different beliefs regarding the Devil's skin color. Assuming that he is blue is a blatant act of institutionalized racism. Judgement: offensive.

Florida State Seminoles- Findings: a callous affront to those who cannot understand that the Seminole tribes give their blessing to this use of their name. Judgement: offensive.

Georgia Tech Yellowjackets- Findings: fearmongering aimed at people who are allergic to stinging insects. Judgement: offensive.

Maryland Terrapins- Findings: crass exploitation of yet another endangered species. Judgement: offensive.

Miami Hurricanes- Findings: a brutal attack on victims of violent weather everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

North Carolina Tarheels- Findings: Crass flaunting of war, and worse yet, shameless glorification of a regiment of Confederate soldiers who didn't fight fair. Judgement: offensive.

North Carolina State Wolfpack- Findings: Insensitive portrayal of wolves as bullying, predatory gangbangers. Judgement: offensive.

Virginia Cavaliers- Findings: a slap in the face of horses and animal rights activists everywhere, a crass flaunting of war, and mindless glorification of an early American band of good ol' boys. Judgement: offensive.

Virginia Tech Hokies- Findings: the meaning of "Hokie" is suspiciously vague and obscure. It obviously either has some secretly offensive meaning, or it is the tool of a conspiracy that is being used to spark rumored meanings that offend somebody. Judgement: offensive.

Wake Forest Demon Deacons- Findings: another crass flaunting of a Christian concept, as well as a shameless endorsement of the hierarchy in certain Christian churches. As is the case with Duke, road games at rival public universities create a violation of separation of church and state. Judgement: offensive.

Tomorrow: The NCAA Report on the Acceptability of Big 10 Conference Monikers

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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