Written by Sophie Jayne
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Friday, 2 May 2008

The weekends are the hardest part of the job. On week days I know exactly where the gorgeous Daniel is going to be, as he is always at work. But on weekends there is no saying what he is going to do. He might go shopping, or he may go to the theatre, he may take a trip to the park to feed the ducks, alternatively he might go down town to see his local hooker.

I have to be ready at all times, one step ahead of the game. Anyway, today, was a normal Saturday morning, The Radcliffe family had their weekly lie in, so I took the chance to sneak into the house and lick cutlery that HE had eaten from, rolled on chairs HE had sat on, rub against HIS dirty underwear. I was in the middle of sniffing HIS shoes, when I heard a creaking noise. I turned around and their she was, his house keeper! I had been caught read handed.

She went to scream, but as a trained stalker I got to her first. I covered her mouth with my hand and pulled her out of the open front door. I grabbed a piece of rope from within my bra and bond her hands and feet together. I did all this in a space of about 30 seconds, Oh yes I am good. I then locked her in their walk in freezer, I ll deal with her later.

Some time later Dan woke up. I watched him at the kitchen window as he poured himself a glass of orange juice. He talked to his mother about what he was going to do that day. Fortunately not only can I speak 7 different languages (English, French, Spanish, Chinese, Arabic, Dog and Alien) but I am also a kick ass lip reader.

He said that he was going shopping with fellow actor Rupert Grint, so quick as a flash I legged it to the front of the house, and using the key I had detained some time ago I let myself in. I hid behind the drivers seat, and waited and waited.

Eventually Dan left the house and got into the drivers seat. We arrived at the busy Shopping street and Dan met up with Rup. If I wasn't the best stalker in the country it would have been hard not to loose them. They went into a clothes shop and I followed keeping exactly ten strides behind. Rupert Grint knocked a leather bag off from the shelf, so I bent down to pick it up. As I did so our eyes locked.

"Wow." I am sure I heard him whisper.

"Hi." I smiled, in my best I-haven't-been-stalking-your-friend voice.

"I know this is forward, but do you fancy getting a coffee or something?" he asked.

My face broke into a smile. All my life I had stalked and yet in a moment I suddenly realised that maybe I had been going about it the wrong way. Maybe being over obsessed and following someone to the point of exhaustion was not what life was all about. Maybe, just maybe I could put my stalker days behind me and become a normal sort of girl. So I agreed to go for a coffee with this ginger sensation and I going out for dinner with him a Saturday. I think it is time I gave being normal a try.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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