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Monday, 28 April 2008

image for Papa Panzer: Ordination in Vaticanation Catamites of the World, Unite! The Roman Catholic Church is looking for a few good men!

Thespoof reporters who usually cover little league snooker in Scandinavia went to the Vatican to interview the Pope on complex theological matters pertaining to ordination.

Shnook #1: So let me get this straight, Holy Father, as I understand it about less than 1% of humanity is eligible for leadership in your organization established by God, is that correct?

Papa Panzer: That is about right. You see, the celibate, non- pedophiliac male is a very, very rare breed. You might say that he is a kind of ubermensch destined to rule the verld and subjugate the veaklings, the vimen, and the vermin! But I digress...

Schnook #2: If a corporation limited its executive job search to this tiny minority, would it be considered wise?

PP: God writes straight with crooked lines, the wisdom of the world is foolishness plus we all had to be this peculiar to get where we got so tough shit!

Schnook #3: Will the church ever ordain women in light of its revised teaching that sexism is a sin?

PA Panz: Thomas Aquinas taught that the ordination of women was equivalent to the baptism of monkeys. You'll see Roman collars on the frauleins when there are baptisteries in the zoos.

S #4: Now that the church is receiving married men who were ordained in other Christian churches in the Roman Catholic priesthood, will we soon see lifelong Catholics who married received into Holy Orders?

PPZ: Why? We have them already on the donation rolls. When we save the soul of some lost Protestant who happened to be ordained, it is a small price to allow them to keep their vestment. If you are born Roman Catholic you should have always known you could not be a priest. You should have been born Protestant if that was what you really wanted...

SCHN #5: In light of the fact that a large percentage of priests who left the clergy in order to marry say that they would be happy to return to the ministry, will we see a welcome back offered to them in this time a serious priest shortage?

PPZNR: If you pledged your life to a group that refused to eat jelly donuts and some of your membership went off to raid the pastry shop, would you welcome them back with their faces smeared with jam?!

SCHNOOK #6: Will the Church ever acknowledge that large numbers of Roman Catholic clergy are gay?

PAPANZR: The contentment of our clergy speaks for itself! Besides, when you limit your executive job search to such a rarified sample as celibate males in a world culture that brainwashes people to be lustful breeders where else do we, er these catamites have to catam...ite!?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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