Written by Sophie Jayne
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Thursday, 24 April 2008

It is 6am and it is so cold I think many of my figures are going to drop off very soon. But where am I? A Bush outside Daniel Radcliffe's Fulham home of course.

I have my binoculars firmly pointed at his bedroom window, but my research shows me he should not be up for another hour and a half, so I turn by attention back to playing with my little Harry Potter figurines.

At 8am he kisses the ugliest girl I have ever seen in my life at his doorstep. He is dressed in only his boxer shorts, my heart skips a beat at the sight of his bare chest. As the girl crosses the road to her taxi, I casually throw a stone in her direction. God I hate her even more than I hated yesterday's slut.

Just before 9am I use the spare key I successfully stole some months ago to open the door of Radder's expensive car and hide under neither the driver's seat as I do everyday. Today I even remember to relock the car to stop Daniel's confusion.

We arrive at the Farnham set and I pull on my disguise complete with moustache and skin paint.

I was able to dress up as an Asian man and fool the production team into giving me a job as a tea boy. This means I get to serve drinks to Dan and his fellow actors all day long. I love it when I hand him the cup and his hand accidentally brushes against mine. It is things like that that I live for. I always remember to spit into that whore Emma Watson's cup. I hate her, she makes it so obvious she fancy Daniel, as if he would ever go out with a flat chested snob like her.

Later I find myself hidden under the table of some swanky restaurant as Daniel and tonight's slut play footsie. Thinking fast I tie his shoe laces together. When he gets up to use the loo he trips over and the slut makes her excuses and leaves. mwahhhhhhh.

11pm and here I am in my bush once again. Being a stalker is hard but days like today make it all worth it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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