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Wednesday, 23 April 2008

image for Recruitment Advertisements - the truth at last A recruitment consultant on his way home after a hard day's commission

Now, thanks to how useless, ineffective and overburdened with nonsensical American rubbish HR departments have become, many companies use job ambulance chasers (or "recruitment consultants" as they are sometimes referred to) to, well, recruit on their behalf. The following helps interpret the real meaning of terms mentioned within business recruitment advertising in particular:

ATTRACTIVE SALARY - as it's so low, it's extremely attractive to us

PLUS BENEFITS - you get to keep any unfranked stamps you steam off incoming mail

NORTHERN-BASED - Aberdeen-"ish"

PLEASANT RURAL SURROUNDINGS - at our head office 48 miles outside Aberdeen

GOOD LOCAL FACILITIES - the government haven't shut down the local Post Office.........yet

CAR SCHEME - you go to the local garage and buy your own car.

NON-CONTRIBUTORY PENSION SCHEME - well, we don't contribute to it

FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY - we can't find any other shmucks to take the job

PROGRESSIVE COMPANY - we never pay you on the same day each month

ONE OF THE UK'S TOP........ - there are only 3 other UK companies daft enough to be in the same business

MARKET LEADER....... - see previous point

IMPRESSIVE RANGE OF CLIENTS - three "everything a pound" stores in Birkenhead, a Chinese Takeaway in the Midlands, and a ball-bearing manufacturer in Devon

KNOWLEDGE OF WINDOWS USEFUL - our window cleaner left three weeks ago

IT LITERATE - well we don't know how to work the blasted computers, do we?

EDUCATED TO DEGREE LEVEL - we want some shlepper who knows nothing about business but at least is educated and cheap

ONE OF THE UK'S FASTEST GROWING.......... we keep increasing the prices of our products

SOME INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL - we have two foreign offices, one in Baghdad, the other in northern Alaska

HIGHLY RESPECTED ORGANISATION - bankrolled by the Mafia

MUSTN'T BE A CLOCK WATCHER - we expect a 10 hour day from you so our directors can enjoy their golf uninterrupted

MUST BE A TEAM PLAYER - we like to challenge the local radio station to 5-a-side football when business is slow

MUST BE A SELF-STARTER - we haven't actually got a clue yet about what we want you to do

YOU WILL MANAGE A TEAM OF 4 - the tea lady, toilet attendant, security guard and Youth Trainee

YOUR CONTRIBUTION WILL BE ACKNOWLEDGED - the MD will thank you each time you lend him a fiver when the petty cash tin is empty

OTE 45,000 - your basic is 11,000 or

TO 45,000 - after 20 years service that is. Your starting salary is 11,000

PERFORMANCE-RELATED BONUS - depends on how good you are at Karaoke

GENEROUS HOLIDAY SCHEME - we own a two-bed chalet at Butlins in Skegness which you can use off-season free of charge

PREVIOUS APPLICANTS NEED NOT APPLY - we had only 2 applicants last time - one a serial rapist, the other an alcoholic

APPLY TO OUR RETAINED CONSULTANTS - seeing as we haven't a clue ourselves, but they need the commission

WHO WILL SHORTLIST SUITABLE CANDIDATES - they haven't a clue either, but they still need the commission

A SECOND LANGUAGE WOULD BE AN ADVANTAGE - the accountant who does the wages speaks only Polish

GOOD PROSPECTS - you're bound to want to leave in a couple of years to go to a proper and better-paid job

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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