Written by Steddyeddy
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Monday, 21 April 2008

They may run shed 5 at Heathrow a little terminally, but nevertheless, British Airways are poised to unleash the mobi-morons on the weary sky traveller this summer. Now, nowhere will be safe from chattering classes glued to their handsets - those who won't be able to survive even the most normal, off-limit phone kiosk in the sky to loudly announce to their significant other "Hi Honey......I'm on the plane!"

So, the value-for-money (well it certainly was to the legal and security provision professions) inquisition into Diana's unfortunate demise is over bar the final utterances from Mr Fayed. Ten million quid well spent I say.

According to the official report (costing more money), 278 witnesses were called and gave evidence during the hearing. Well there's your answer! With 278 people crammed into the French road tunnel, it's no wonder the driver crashed his Mercedes!

And talking of things legal, the Belgians have restored my faith in the law being an ass. It was refreshing to read that a Belgian judge sentenced a 21-year old Joey Van Den Broeck to eight months in prison and a 430 pound fine for being naughty. Unfortunately, Joey had died the previous week as a result of a motor accident. I believe bailiffs wishing to collect the fine should call to row 21, plot 3c of the main cemetry in Antwerp for their money. Judge Ann Twerp presiding.

With car crime on the increase throughout the country, it's encouraging to see that the Eko Crime System, a group of charming young offenders from Dewsbury, have, in an effort to be more green, committed themselves to stealing environmentally-friendly or hybrid cars only.

Back in Zimbabwe, showing that he hasn't lost his marbles or is completely bonkers, the country's president, Big Bad Bob Mugabe has declared that from henceforth, night will be called "day, and day will be called "night".

At midnight on 20th April, all clocks will be put back 12 hours to compensate. The resultant saved 12 hours will immediately be seized by the war veterans and delivered to the Central Bank of Zimbabwe. A spokesman for Bonkers Bob said:

"There are approximately 7 million clocks in our economic miracle of a country, which together will generate 96 million free hours for the economy, which the Central Bank will auction to the highest bidder. This is not forgetting the extra time watch-wearers will have on their hands..........er, well......wrists, actually, which we are delighted to allow them to have free of charge to seel to whoever they want for luxuries like food, electricity, water, soap and clothes..

It is our intention that citizens of Zimbabwe, together with tissots, seikos and governmental diamond-encrusted Rolexes, will join with us in celebration of these free hours".

Members of the Church of Santa Daime have elected Joe Cocker as their new saint in honour of the lines he sang in the Beatles song "I get high with a little help from my friends". While the Cult leaders - like all good cult leaders should - worship money (other peoples') their members haven't a clue what they worship, as they are always out of it on their hallucinogenic brew Alahuasca.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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