Written by Steddyeddy
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Monday, 21 April 2008

image for Technology rules No K New flatscreen technology

Well, I allowed myself to be swayed by the salesman's patter and bought a wireless keyboard and mouse, thinking it would enable me to use my laptop with a modicum of laziness as I watched "Have I got News for You" and" repeats of "Grumpy Old Men" in front of the idiot box.

Got home and ripped it out of its box, only to realise that my laptop can only have EITHER a mouse OR a keyboard plugged in, not both. Well, I suppose expecting a laptop to last beyond 4 years is a bit enthusiastic. Or totally naive.

So I attached it to my desktop instead. Quite pointless really, because my desktop sits out of the way in my office (the converted utility box which is only big enough to accommodate the spin drier and Dyson, but not necessarily both at the same time). However, it does mean I can now use the keyboard in the den if I so choose. Of course the fact I can't see the screen from there could be deemed a disadvantage by the cynical amongst you.

However, I have since discovered that as a wireless keyboard user, I now suffer from a sever case of "keyboard lag" - no, not a loose 25 year-old blond draped on the PC (I wish) - but unless I hit the "Shift", "T" and "Ctrl" keys with the force of a sledgehammer, they don't register, which can render my fast, but self-taught-wrongly journalistic style of typing rather useless.

The "T" is the biggest problem. As a result of this, or as I have just typed, "his", it means I have invented such monstrosities as "Gin and onic", "A cup of ea", "Hallie Berries' its" etc (or "ec"), which means I now have to watch not only my "P's" and "Q's" , but also my "T's", if the novel I have recommenced writing is to make any sense at all. Using the "Ctrl" and "C" to copy chunks of plagiarised text, is, of course more difficult, as are other recently learned Word-ly shortcuts involving the "Ctrl" key which, if used, are, to put it simply, a total waste of time.

And of course the cordless mouse has a feel and use rather different from my trusty "Dell" infra-red, corded mouse, purchased in earnest, or rather from Earnest, at a car boot sale a year ago. I have always felt guilty about "Dell" mouse, because know in my heart of hearts, that, having been bought by me at a car boot sale means there is a civil servant somewhere who has been using their PC sans mouse for a year.

Next, I think it's time to go flat screen monitor, as this Philips 21inch is a huge bugger, and the wife is hinting that she would like some room in my office (the former utility box) to store her salmon kettle.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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