Written by kungfuiceskater
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Thursday, 20 May 2004

image for American Idol: An Open Love Letter To Diana DeGarmo Degarmo

Dearest Diana:

Diana! Diana! Diana! I only have four words for you Ba-Don-Kit-Ty-Donk. Is that four words or five words. I’m sorry babes, my counting isn’t that good. I’m feelin’ the way you sing though and the fact that you’re always excited. Damn, you could be arrested on murder 1 and you’d still be smiling. Speaking of which, I never realized that Pleasantville was a real town until I heard you were from Snellville and I saw a picture of your mayor on TV. He was always smiling too. Damn babes, couldn’t you be from Compton or The Bronx? Snellville???? Let’s see your Mayor smile in the middle of a Crips, gang-banging, human pyramid. I ain’t hatin’, I’m just playing babes. For real though, you know the Mayor made you Mayor For A Day? Is that like being Pimp For A Day? Well baby the Mayor might make you Mayor For A Day, but get with me and you’ll be with a Player For Life? Holla.

So sweetheart, I know that you like your food, the only thing is that I keep all of my food measured and leveled. So if mum gets upset that you ate the entire rack of lamb, drank all of my Pepsi and then ate 10 pints of my vanilla bean ice scream, don’t be upset. I gotcha!

While I write this letter, I wonder. Are you old enough? I wouldn’t want to be like R Kelly. Now there’s someone who’d get excited in a human pyramid. Let’s not even talk about Michael Jackson.

I can’t wait to see you and if I can’t, could you do something for me; get your fine self in a Lil Kim video.

Flowers and kisses,


KungFu IceSkater

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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