Written by Jeff Brone
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Monday, 31 March 2008

We're approaching another summer season, and the North American Safety Council has issued their annual warm weather safety tips to help us all have a fun and safe summer. Feel free to pass these along to your friends:

50% of all accidents occur in the home. Sleep in the park as often as possible.

The sun can be fun, but it's also dangerous. Carry a gun and shoot at the sky at random intervals.

If you like to surf, be sure to take a buddy with you in case you have an accident. Also, get a job, bum.

Hot weather can be a problem, especially for the elderly. Avoid getting older.

Picnic food can spoil after two hours without refrigeration. Bring your own refrigerator to any and all picnics.

If you're planning on doing something really dangerous, don't watch any of those "Final Destination" movies, as you could get really scared.

Softball is fun, but injuries are possible. Make sure you wear safety goggles and a suit of armor.

Summer festivals are a haven for pickpockets. Never carry any money with you to them, and instead pay for everything by performing an improvisational scene that has an inspiring moral.

Summer concerts can present security problems. They always have good security for the performers though, so run up on stage during any performance and refuse to leave till the end.

The highways are the scene of many accidents during warm weather. If you see an accident, stop and get out of your car and take a good look. Yeah man, you think about that.

Lightning can be deadly, and often strikes the tallest object in an area, so crawl everywhere you go. Better yet, always travel by tunnel.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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