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Sunday, 23 March 2008

image for Graham Norton Finds Oliver! Olly at bit short on modesty at 'The Queens' party.

Graham Norton host of 'Id Do Anything' gives an exclusive 'One Final Confession' to Father Ted.

How did you find Oliver?

Let me give you the 'Bigger Picture', 'I first met 'Big Olly' as I call him now, at Toby Crackit's relaunch party for his club Tricky Dicky's, Olly was one of the new male lap dancers Toby had recruited, at first meeting I was a bit shy, I admit I did stiffen up a bit especially when he came on my lap, but when he started to dance I thought to myself 'bullseye' this is 'Strictly Come Dancing'. Afterwards we had a drink and a chat and I discovered he'd actually worked his way up from Knackers Hole where he was born into a very poor family and then Toby had found him working at 'The Buck Inn' near Manchester as a dancing waiter, where he had been once voted the 'Boy For Sale'.

How have things developed since your first meeting with Oliver?

Well, as the dancing thing really got me siked up, we went out a few times to get acquainted and I was ever so embarrassed when he kept telling me that I was 'The One And Only', I said 'Oh please Olly just call me Nancy'.

Any plans to take the relationship up one level?

Each time I went home I found myself 'Reviewing The Situation' I know it sounds selfish, but I thought I'm not getting any younger 'Consider Yourself' 'Where Is The Love' so I decided to invite him over for a weekend.

How did things work out that weekend?

Oh just a normal night in cuddling up on the sofa drinking wine and eating a selection of nuts, then some 'Oom Pah Pah' I must say the craic was very good. But do you know later on I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night to find him fumbling through my drawers, I said Olly 'What the Dickens is this?' He said 'I'm hungry Nancy, I want some more' I said, 'Ooh your such a big nibbler aren't you'

Do you see this relationship with Oliver continuing?

Well, he keeps telling me 'I'd Do Anything For You' but he's such a show off, last week I was invited to 'The Queens' garden party it was such a hot day, I took him along and without hesitation he so embarrassed me by stripping down to his shorts and then turned around and said to me, 'Nancy Walk This Way'. If I'm honest I find him a bit needy, he's very ambitious you know, daily he's asking me 'When Will I Be Famous?' I say, 'Olly ask me again 'I Shall Scream' you have to be patient it's not just a case of 'Any Dream Will Do?'

Do you see yourself living together as a couple?

Well, I'll tell you, only if he gives up that filthy habit, if he comes around to my place and he needs a drag he has to go outside, I say to him, 'If you must have a Fagin use the shed'.

So are you still on the fence about Olly?

Well, he's still very dominated by his mother you know, I constantly ask myself, 'How Do You Solve Problem Like Maria?' there's 'No Way To Stop It' she's a a bit of a nun entity and he's so 'Sixteen Going On Seventeen' but I suppose for the moment 'As Long As He Needs Me' I'll be his 'Nancy' boy, 'It's A Fine Life' isn't it!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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