Written by Samer Bannourah
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image for Etiquette for the Idiots: Dining guide/rules for Dumbasses

Hello. As many of you know, I have been working in the restaurant business for a fairly long time. Ever since I was 14 years old I have worked at restaurants as a server. From my family restaurant, to a famous breakfast restaurant which rhymes with iMOCK and fine dining establishments.

Through my experience I have observed horrible behavior which I would like to bring to the surface. If the information you are about to read doesn't sound like common sense to you -- you're a dumbass.

1. When you enter a busy restaurant a host/hostess will seat you. If there is a wait--be a good boy/girl and wait your turn.

    DO NOT keep asking "How much longer is the wait". The more you do that the LONGER you will wait. It is a scientifically proven fact dumbasses.

    DO NOT roll your eyes at the host/hostess as if he/she intentionally did something to make your pathetic exuse for a life more difficult for you.

2. You got to the table? Good. Don't like the table? Don't care.

    IF you ask the host/hostess to move to another table, the service will be longer. There is a pattern the dumbasses are seated in. When shifted--it creates a horrible domino effect.

3. Now that you're seated--look through the menu and wait for the waiter.

    DO NOT tell the host/hostess what you want to drink. They do not give a fuck. YOUR the dumbass here. Remember?

    DO NOT panic if you don't have silverware. The server will get you some. Fucking wait.

4. The server arrives. At this time the server might ask you how your doing, he will tell you the specials/features.

    MANY things go wrong at this stage. First--when the waiter approaches the table--MAKE FUCKING EYE-CONTACT with him/her. It's rude not to acknowledge someone, especially when they are about to handle your food.

    If I take the time to ask you how your doing...you better fucking answer me. Maybe even ask me how I'm doing? DO NOT just cut me off and blurt out "Two coffees". Rude fucks.

    DON'T make faces if you don't like one of the specials/features.

5. The server will ask for, then come back with your drinks.

    Say the beverages you wish to drink aloud. Example: "I would like a large orange juice please". Do not merely think about what you want to drink. Dumb fucks.

    DO NOT ask what drinks are free refills you cheap bastards. Most establishments only have free refills on Coffee, Teas, and all sodas. If they don't, it will be stated in the menu. Plus--just because something is a free refill doesn't mean you have to gulp it all down in 1/2 a second then wave your arm in the air like a monkey for another one. I can do a great impression of pretending to not see you--and so can every other server.

    When I finally ask you what you would like to consume, order ONE drink per person. DO NOT say "Water's all around". This takes a shit load of time to do considering all you cheap dumbasses always want water with whatever your getting. At IHOP there is only ONE very slow fountain for the whole restaurant. I don't have time for that...there are other dumbasses who need to be waited on. When I get back with your drinks (2-3 per person most of the time) Don't you dare ask me why that took so long. I will slit your throat...4 minutes is not a long time to wait for drinks. Assholes.

    DO NOT ask for straws as if you're going to die if you don't get them (foreigns). Did it ever occur to you that I was going to give you straws AFTER I set the drinks down? Dumbasses.

6. You have your drinks now. Good. It's time to order your food.

    IF you are not ready to order your food, THAT IS OK. Just tell your waiter and he/she will come back in a couple minutes. No biggie.

    DO NOT tell the server you are ready then make him/her stand there forever while you make up your mind. OTHER PEOPLE need refills, their checks, have stupid questions. DO NOT WASTE MY TIME.

    DO NOT ask for the cheapest thing on the menu. Seriously. Do I even need o say that? Just don't do it. You'll just end up embarrassing yourself when I say "water".

    DO NOT try to bargain prices with me. The price of the food is right there in black in white. NON--NEGOTIONABLE dumbasses. We're not in feakin Iran.

    Do not say "You gonna hook me up?". Ex-fucking-useme? NO. I don't give a shit about you. Ever. I don't care if you have a child. When you come to a restaurant and order food, it is normally expected for one to PAY for food they wish to consume. No free food -- unless your Jesus. I should also advise women to keeping their legs closed to avoid the whole children ordeal.

    DO NOT make up a meal that is not in the menu. If you do that the waiter will either:

    A- put everything in as a side and make your bill much higher (me).
    B- Try to find a combo meal that has almost everything you want (Nice waiters only--not many)

    DO NOT order a sauce then order it's usual meal as the side. Example: "I would like to order A.1. sauce with a side or T-Bone steak." NO. It's gonna be the same fucking price. What? You think I was born yesterday??? I actually had a lady who had the nerve to do that then COMPLAIN that she ordered the T-bone "as a side so it should be 1/2 the price". Dumb bitch.

    DO NOT ask what comes in something if it's written down in the MENU.

    DO NOT ask me how many calories your meal has. Do I look like I know what calories are? No--shut the hell up.

    When you finally finish giving me your order, SHUT UP. I will repeat the order. The reason I do this is so if I misheard your dumbass (cause you talk low or you thought I was psychic)--I will be able to place the right order and prevent any future catastrophes. God Forbid your eggs are over-easy and not over-medium.

7. You gave the food order. Now WAIT.

    If the restaurant is busy--the food will take longer to come out due to the fact that the cooks have more orders to deal with. Yes--shocking, I know. Who knew that the food was actually made and didn't just appear out of thin air. "Abracadabra".

    DO NOT ask your waiter "When is our food coming out".

    1- I don't give a fuck.
    2- Whenever it comes out.
    3- Do I look like Psychic man?

    If you think the food is taking to long to come out--that's because your an impatient bitch. It's a scientifically proven fact that restaurant diners perceive 2 minutes as 7.

    There are times when things go horribly wrong for a waiter. For example: Sometimes checks won't print out in the kitchen and the waiter will not find out until it's too late. This doesn't happen much but when it does it's hell for us. To fix this we have to get the order again (if it was a large party and you can't remember what everyone had), explain why this is happening to the dumbasses, put in the order again and wait for the shit to come out. This is the last thing we want. It's a pain for the dumbasses, the waiters, the cooks, the managers, the terrorists--everyone. If something like this happens, the best thing to do is to be very cooperative because--I dunno if it mighta occurred to you, but WE DID NOT DO THIS ON PURPOSE. So instead of being assholes and showing your friends and family that your superior to someone who's supposed to make you always feel that your right--why don't you just shut up and look at it from the servers point of view. Dumbasses.

    DO NOT keep staring at the waiter trying to intimidate him/her. WE are the one's handling YOUR food. Be afraid, be very afraid--bitch. Besides, you just look constipated doing that.

8. Your food arrives. The server will place the food in front of you then ask you for condiments and any other needs.

    DO NOT start shouting orders at me while I'm placing your food down. WAIT.

    Once your food is down, if there is something missing (like a side of pancakes) I will have probably known it before I finished putting all the food down. Don't be rude about something that can be fixed within 2 seconds.

    IF you need a specific condiment (like ketchup, A.1. sauce..ect), another side of hash browns or a refill, ask the waiter at this time. He/she will not know what you want unless you USE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. I'm not Psychic man. He was going to be fired so he quit.

    Try to tell the waiter everything you need at once. It will get you your stuff faster and save the waiter more time.

    DO NOT make the waiter go on a wild goose chase. You're not that important. Remember the waiter is trying to deal with 3 or more tables full of dumbasses such as yourself.

9. Eat the shit.

    If you feel something is wrong with the food and you need to send it back that's fine. Just make sure the reason for sending it back is reasonable.

    DO NOT send food back for shit like (all true complaints by the way):

    "My egg's are not yellow enough"

    "My pancakes are not round enough"

    "This bacon isn't the way I make it"

    "I asked for no mushrooms (when you didn't)"

    DO NOT eat all your food then ask for a discount because it "didn't taste good". Then why do you fucking eat it? Bitch.

    DO NOT put your own hair into the food then "find it" at the end of your meal. Oh and by the way-- if your actually going to attempt this oh so clever scheme, make sure someone in the kitchen has your hair color and hair length. I once had a lady claim that the 3 foot long blonde hair came from one of the Hispanic cooks from the back....all of which have short black hair and SURPRISE SURPRISE the bitch had long blonde hair.

    IF your an old rag DO NOT ask for a fucking senior discount. No one ever get's a discount unless you have a coupon, you work at the establishment or the manager gives you one for some reason. Why should you get a discount? Just go home and die you old farts. You already tip like shit.

10. Your eating the shit. Good. The waiter will check-up on you throughout your meal if he/she likes you.

    DO NOT act annoyed when I ask you if everything is ok. I know you're all too are to lazy to make eye-contact and any type of humanly conversations...so I have to ask you if everything is ok. Idiots.

    When I check-up on you that doesn't mean ask for 100 different things you don't need. For example, do not ask for jelly if you didn't get any toast (especially if the only thing you got were eggs and pancakes). Do not ask for whip cream if you got a Philly Super-Stacker. That's nasty.

    During this part of the meal if everything is going ok you might start to conversate with the waiter. Do not ask for his/her whole life history. We don't like you that much. I'll tell you I'm from Bethlehem and that I have a 4.0 GPA. That's all you need to know. Though if you are really a genuially cool person to talk to-- I might treat you like your opinions matter.

11. Your done eating the shit. The server will now give you the check. Your server will tell you whether you pay him/her or up front.

    DO NOT complain about the gratuity if there was one added automatically.

    DO NOT ask the waiter to take off the TAX. Dumbasses.

    DO NOT complain about the $0.69 for the added cheese on your eggs. It's fucking 69 cents. Not that big of a deal.

    DO NOT try to pay up front and get angry because no one's waiting for you AFTER your server TELLS YOU you pay your server. Dumbasses.

12. TIPPING.

    The tipping charge is 20%. NOT 5%. NOT 10%. FUCKING TWENTY PERCENT. That's it. You can even do it all in your head. All you have to do is move the decimal once to the left then multiply that number by 2.

    Example: If your check is 20.00, move the decimal once to the left (2.000) then multiply that number by two (2.000 x 2 = 4). You should leave 4 dollars for every twenty dollars spent minimum for good service and maybe leave even more if the service was excellent (me).

    If for some reason you didn't like the food DO NOT take it out on the waiter. HE/SHE had NOTHING to do with the way it was prepared or the way it tasted (most of the time). If you had a problem with the food and didn't speak up that's YOUR PROBLEM. You tip the waiter on the SERVICE HE/SHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR. Dumbasses.

    DO NOT stiff a waiter because of something he had no control over like your having a bad day, your uncle died, September 11th, the color of the walls, or the brats across the room who keep crying.

    If your excuse for not tipping is "I can't afford to tip", then why the fuck are you eating out? If you can't afford to tip (which is weird considering the tip is only 20% of your check dumbasses) then you CAN'T AFFORD TO EAT OUT.

    Not tipping a waiter is the equivalent to spitting on someone's face. If service was excellent then the tip better be too.

    A complement is NOT a tip. For example:

    If you spend $100 at a restaurant and the service was good then you tip $20 or higher if it was excellent. You do not say "OHHHhhhh thank you!!!! You were sooooooooo good!! I'm gonna tell all my friends about you!!! Thank you so much Sam!". If you say something like that--there better be a tip equivalent to it.

    If I can't spend it (IN AMERICA--you smartasses), then I don't want it.

    NO FUCKING COINS. Cheap fucks. Just round up. UP.

    I will admit there are days my service is not excellent because I just wanna just get out of the shithole and I don't care how much I make. All waiters have these days...but only 5% of the time.

13. You ate. You payed. You tipped. Good job. Now fuck off.

    DO NOT sit there conversing about shit I don't care about. Get the fuck off my table.

Miscellaneous:

    1. Children. I personally don't know why people keep having them. The way they cry, talk, breath, and eat is disgusting. There's nothing good about those things. Leave them home or in the car with the windows down.

    2. Don't call me a terrorist. It's not funny. Your not original. I'll blow you up.

    3. I'm not from Pakistan. I'm from PAL--ES--TINE. Get it right. Dumb fucks.

    4. "Sam I am, Green Eggs and Ham". HA.HA.HA. Shut the fuck up.

    5. No I'm not Indian and I will not marry anyone's daughter.

    6. The customer is not always right. In fact, the customer is always wrong.

    7. Yo no hablo espanol. Chang ting ping xong zyona sung dung kay poto. So if you come to a restaurant--at least ONE of you better speak fucking English.

    8. My name is not Sam-eer. It's SAM--ER. Like Samurai without the i. Dumbasses.

    9. Don't ask your waiter why he's skinny. He doesn't like it. If you ask such a question you better look like Brad or Angelina or your getting one right back.

    10. All waiters have the right to refuse service to all dumbasses.

    11. I hate pancakes.

    12. Una mish 5mar.

IF all these rules are not followed by everyone who reads them--please be aware that I will hunt you down and brutally kill your family and anyone you ever cared for.

Love,
Samer Bannourah


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