Written by The Knitter
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Tags: Christian

Thursday, 6 March 2008

image for Where's The Body? Impaled

Dawn was breaking across the area and last night's gale had dropped to a fairly light breeze - fairly light for this part of Galway in anyway. A Hiace van pulled pulled up and stopped in front of the small crowd of weary Christian Brothers that was gathering just outside Fettercrack.

Brother Kraynodes (for it is he) stepped out of the Hiace, removed his wooly cap and surveyed the crowd before him. 'This is not just another day at the office.' said Br. Kraynodes.

'We found a head, Brother Kraynodes. And that's about all we found' said Brother Hewesless (for it is he also).

'So, if we've got the head, where's the body?'

A loud blast of Gregorian Chant music burst out of the crowd. 'Turn off that music' shouted Br. HewesLess.

Kraynodes glared at Hewesless. He liked the Gregorian Chant scene.

'Br. Hewesless, why don't you go and ask those tourists over there if they know anything?' said Kraynodes.

'Okay Brother Kraynodes said Hewesless enthusiastically as he tightened his grip on the leather strap concealed beneath his cassock.

'And find out where that feckin shopping trolley came from'.

Kraynodes turned around and saw Brother Tobin bending down and taking photographs of the head. Br. Kraynodes watched him as he got to his feet, pouted and flicked his remaining strands of hair out of his eyes all in one slow continuous movement. Br. Kraynodes liked the way he worked.

'Cause of death?' asked Br. Kraynodes.

'It appears to be sudden cranial-torso disassociation. But I'll need to confirm that back at the yard'.

Br. Kraynodes stared wistfully into the distance. 'So, the poor yoke lost his feckin head'.

'We found this collar with bell attached across the road in the bushes' said Br. Hewesless.

'Definitely not a beautiful day for a hurley game' said Br. Kraynodes wistfully.

'How are we going to find the body?' asked Hewesless.

'We follow the evidence. We have a head and a shopping trolley' said Br. Tobin

'And the evidence never lies' said Br. Kraynodes.

'Perhaps someone just forgot to take the trolley back to Tescos' said Br. Hewesless. There was an awkward silence.

Br. Kraynodes bit his lip at Br. Hewesless's joke. This was Br. Kraynodes's raison d'etre and so he made the jokes. He would deal with Br. Hewesless later. At the moment there was a rather large body to find.

'The head must have been blown here by the wind' said Br. Tobin 'I think I'll go back to the yard and run the storm debris locomotion simulation program to locate where the head started out from.'

'It's an ill wind that blows no good' said Kraynodes.

'Do you always talk in clich├ęs and ridiculous one liners Br. Kraynodes?' asked Br. Hewesless.

Br. Kraynodes looked contemptuously at Br. Hewesless, but said nothing. Br. Kraynodes's phone rang. It was Br. Tobin.

A headless body had been found cooking on a barbeque grill in the yard in Fettercrack.

Br. Kraynodes put his sunglasses on and headed for the Hiace. OK lads, Jobs done. Grubs up in 10 minutes - lets go!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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