Written by Jasper Jessup
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Sunday, 2 March 2008

When Brad Pitt was first offered the role of Tyler Durden in Fight Club, he thought the movie would be called 'Shite Club', according to director David Fincher in an recent interview with The Watchtower:

"Michael Jackson had just declined the role of Tyler Durden and someone suggested we use Brad instead. We were desperate so I figured what the heck, and gave him a call.

We spoke while he was driving so maybe he couldn't hear me properly, but when I asked him if we could meet up and chat about my new movie Fight Club he went kind of weird and said he'd been waiting for this role his whole life.

Well, when I arrived for lunch with him at The Ivy restaurant in LA, Brad was already there waiting for me at the table. He was kind of red-faced and squirming a bit, but looked really happy. Gwyneth was by his side, clutching his hand and gazing at him admiringly.

Then he says: Wanna see what I got, Finchie?

Sure, I said. And the next thing I know, his jeans were round by his ankles and Gwyneth was sliding a half finished bowl of Caesar salad under his ass. Suddenly she sees Oprah Winfrey watching from another table and snarls: What da f*ck you lookin' at, bitch?

Brad started groaning and slammed one foot on the table. He gripped the table cloth with both hands and clenched his fists, while Gwyneth dabbed his forehead with a damp napkin. His face was all purple and contorted with the strain, but suddenly there was this hissing noise and a look of huge relief filled Brad's face, although a terrible smell made some other customers flee the restaurant.

How about that, Finchie boasted Pitt, as he waved the salad bowl under my nose. That good enough for Shite Club? I'd like to see that hack Clooney do better.

Inside I saw what looked like a steamy, brown eel nestled amongst lettuce, croutons and bits of egg. It was actually quite impressive now I think about it. In fact, I only recall seeing a bigger one just after Paris Hilton got told she was going to jail.

At that moment I knew what had happened. Brad, I said. I think you misunderstood me. Then I explained everything and luckily Brad and Gwyneth were really cool about it and saw the funny side. They even let Oprah pick through what was left of the salad.

Still, looking back maybe I should have known better. The first day of shooting 'Se7en' saw Brad turn up wearing a pair of angel wings and a wire halo. Poor bast*rd thought we were filming 'Heaven'."

*'Brad Pitt' is sometimes used by London's Cockneys as rhyming slang for 'sh*t'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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