Ok folks. It’s true over the past months I admit to outright fabricating many if not all of the articles that I have submitted to the Spoof.
The truth started to unwind when I submitted a feature story entitled “God to put Humanity up for lease do to record low fundraising” this story was almost entirely fabricated. I did not talk to God. I only got his voicemail and then a nasty return call from his secretary.
“You know you made up that piece, don’t you?” Said the Almighty’s secretary Ned Van Duke.
I replied by asking him how he knew about the story.
“Are you kidding? The Spoof is the Almighty’s home page”
“So does God have a comment”
“Yeah, your story was outright bullshit. You should have known better”
Duke went on and cursed me for another twenty minuets in some kind of loose French accent. “What about that whole Uranus thing?” I questioned
“Oh, well that is true. He is planning to destroy the planet”
“Do you have a date?
Duke acting even more rude then before put me on hold
I had been given I quote from a good source that said "The Almighty is planning on destroying the planet Uranus after being teased constantly about the name given to the planet".
“Are you there Kaufman!”
“June 4th 8:45pm eastern time”
“Are you kidding me? It’s his plan, you don’t get to ask God why”
I could here someone in the background whispering as if cautioning Duke not to let me know he was there.
“look if you just let me talk to him-” I said
Duke had hung the phone up promptly after being instructed not to talk to me. Several other calls were placed to the Human Recourses division, but no calls we returned.
So there it is. With out a doubt that story along with many others are in fact not true.
Will you do it again you may ask?
You better believe it.