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Saturday, 2 February 2008

image for [Not] the transcript of the 2008 State of the Union Address President Bush didn't technically make this speech. But that's okay, because he wasn't technically elected President either.

Mr. Vice President, Madame Token Twat Speaker, members of my favorite rubberstamp legislature, and distinguished guests, both Republicans and America-haters:

The State of the Union? It sucks. [APPLAUSE]

Jeez, is this a speech or a circlejerk? You people are gonna do that no matter what I say, aren't ya? [APPLAUSE]

Thought so. I'll start with the same generic platitudes my speechwriters recycle every year, like: "America is being tested." I just wish it could be a written test, multiple choice, open book. Without those I'd never have gotten through Yale no matter how much money my dad shoveled into their endowment fund. [LAUGHTER]

And: "But we have unfinished business." There must be, somewhere out there, some aspect of American life as yet unshitted upon by we in government. And we will find it and shit upon it, before the terrorists can. Because if we don't solve the people's problems, we run the risk that the people will solve their own problems without us. Or something.

Or this one: "We've created 30 million new jobs." All of which involve asking "fries with that?", to be sure. But many Americans hold 3 of those new jobs at once, so it's all good. And we've also created a lot of skilled high-tech jobs for, uh, the Chinese. [APPLAUSE]

Some people say my tax cuts benefit only the rich. To them I say: "And your point is?" [LAUGHTER] I'm rich. If you're not, it's your own damn fault for not having a grandfather smart enough to make a fortune financing the Nazis during World War II like my...uh, nobody I personally know of. But for the rest of you peasants, I'm sure the $300 of your own money I'm generously giving you back will buy almost a full tank of gas. [APPLAUSE]

Inner-city students' average reading grades have improved. I thought that was because the 80% of students who can't read dropped out, but my speechwriters told me to say the real reason is the No Child Left Behind Act. So let's throw more money at it. And also pass the legislation Mark Foley wrote just before he got booted from Congress for diddling male pages: the No Child's Behind Left Act. I still say Mark got a raw deal. Why, he's just as straight as Larry Craig. Just ask them.

And if you still think government health care is so great, I've got four words: Walter Reed Army Hospital! [LAUGHTER] Seriously, though. Under socialized medicine, like Hillary wants, you'll have limited choices in your medical care. But with our current Your-money-or-your-life system, you can choose any doctor or hospital in America not to be able to afford to actually be treated by! [APPLAUSE]

And we will ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor's office, not in the halls of Congress. Unless you're a politically useful vegetard like Terry Schiavo. [APPLAUSE]

On trade: other nations are competing unfairly with us by selling better quality goods at lower prices. [BOOS] I agree, that's downright un-American. But so are THEY - un-American, that is. Especially those fucking Japs. Hell, unlike the more normal nationalities, like Germans, the Nips don't even LOOK American. I knew it was a big mistake to stop at Hiroshima and Nagasaki! [APPLAUSE]

But I'm just proposing to make Americans more competive economically. Not by asking them to produce higher quality at lower prices, of course. That would be downright unpatriotic! {LAUGHTER] Instead I'm gonna level the playing field by forcing the gooks and Eurofags to lower their quality and raise their prices. Now THAT'S what I call fair trade! [APPLAUSE]

I'm especially in favor of free trade with Columbia, despite its economy being based entirely on cocaine. In fact, Columbia produces the best nose candy in the whole world. Don't even ask how I know about that! [LAUGHTER] Let's put it this way: I said I wanted free trade with Columbia "despite" their dealing coke? Try "because of"! [APPLAUSE]

To the people of New Orleans: we're reconnecting electricity and phone service, repaving roads, repairing damaged buildings and restoring the infrastructure to make the city liveable again. [CHEERS]

Unfortunately for you, the city we're doing all that in is Baghdad. [BOOS]

Jeez, can't you people take a joke? Hurricane Katrina was your own damn fault, for pissing off God by hosting that Gay Pride Parade in your city. But just to show there's no hard feelings, I'm gonna hold a big meeting with the Canadians and Mexicans in New Orleans, provided we can find a part of it that's not still underwater. [LAUGHTER]

We're depending on our scientists to find new sources of renewable, clean energy. And of course there's no better way to train scientists than to require all science classes to teach Creationism. [APPLAUSE]

Also, them scientists just discovered a way to make artificial stem cells. That's important because natural stem cells - you know, the kind that under an electron microscope look like a pinhead? - they're actually babies. So we can't experiment on 'em. But the science guys tell me their new artificial stem cells are the same. Which means they're ALSO babies! So I'm banning stem cell research all over again! [APPLAUSE]

We need judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says. [APPLAUSE] Except of course when the Constitution says pesky inconvenient things like only Congress can declare my wars, or I'm not allowed to torture, or we can't use tax dollars to support the right religion. Then we need judges who understand that the Constitution doesn't mean what it says! [APPLAUSE]

As for illegal immigrants, we no longer have a policy of "catch and release", if only because we can't actually catch any of them. [LAUGHTER] You think I'm kidding? We finally figured out why we can't catch Osama bin Laden - because he's here as an illegal immigrant, too! [APPLAUSE]

I'm proposing cuts that will save the taxpayers 18 billion dollars. That should distract you amoeba-brained trolls from the 2 trillion of your dollars I've pissed away on a so-called "War on Terror" which couldn't be doing a better job of actually HELPING terrorism if it were deliberately trying to. [APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

Smooth segue into 9/11, huh? [APPLAUSE]

We continue our crusade to make the sandcoons free and democratic, if we have to kill every last one of them to do it. Because when people have democracy, they'll make the right choices. Like the Palestinians used their free democratic choice to elect Hamas ...uh, that's not exactly the best example I could have cited, is it? That's why we have to keep our military in Iraq forever. Just in case the Iraqis ever make the WRONG choice! [LAUGHTER}

I remember 9/11 vividly. While my trusted advisors and I watched the horrifying images of the collapsing twin towers, we struggled to answer the crucial question on all of our minds: "How do we blame all this on Bill Clinton's penis?" [APPLAUSE]

We're still working on that one, but we figured the best way to avenge 9/11 was to attack some third-world country that had nothing to do with it. It was between Iraq and North Korea. But I, being The Decider, decided on Iraq after Colin Powell reminded me that the North Koreans would shoot back. [LAUGHTER]

And so the search was on for some slogan which would terrify the American sheep, uh, I mean people, into obedience. Like "Saddam had WMDs!" He didn't, of course, but he was thinking about having them. Thinking about something is the same as doing it. So by that logic Saddam had WMDs. And Jose Padilla made a dirty bomb. And I reported for duty with the Alabama Air National Guard. See how it works? [APPLAUSE]

Or this one: "Saddam gassed the Kurds!" Of course, the full story of that is: "Saddam gassed the Kurds on orders from Ronald Reagan because the Kurds were the official bad guys then, since they were on the side of Iraq in the Iran/Iraq war. And we not only sold Saddam that gas, but aimed it for him to kill as many Kurds as possible." But only the first four of those words fit onto a bumper sticker! [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

But you get the idea. Saddam was such a bad guy we probably made a big mistake installing him in power in the first place. [LAUGHTER] And now he's gone, which means he can be replaced with someone even worse. So when my brother Jeb is president, he can have his own war to get rid of that even worse guy! How neat is that? [APPLAUSE]

But first we needed The Surge, because when we said "Mission Accomplished" in May 2003, we were just kidding. [LAUGHTER] There were those who said the Surge would not reduce violence in Iraq. And they were right. That's why I'm grateful to General Petraeus. He announced that if Iraqis were killed by being shot in the back instead of from the front, or by a car-bomb, or a fellow Sunni, their deaths didn't count. That alone took 80% of Iraqi deaths off the books. Petraeus is so great at doctoring numbers, Enron offered to hire him as an accountant! [APPLAUSE]

Thus we've gotten violence in Iraq down from the historic highs which we caused in the first place. Now Baghdad, at least six city blocks of it, is so safe Senator McCain could walk the street there in total safety while wearing body armor and surrounded by 120 infantrymen, 12 tanks, with 4 Apache attack helicopters overhead, and after a house-to-house sweep to ensure there were no actual Iraqis within 5 miles. [APPLAUSE]

Then we saw Iraqis voting for their favorite candidates. [APPLAUSE] Well, not exactly voting. [CONFUSED MURMURS] Because the candidates' names were not on the ballots, out of fear that their fellow Iraqis would kill them as collaborators with the American puppet regime. True story! So the Iraqis didn't know who they were voting for. But so what? In Florida in 2000 those senile old Jews didn't know who THEY were voting for, either - and I can't complain about the results! [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

So now the Iraqis have freedom and self-determination. At least until they get out of line. Like Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki did when he ordered Blackwater out of "his" country. Blackwater's still there, did you notice? [LAUGHTER] Condi Rice had to straighten him out on that one! Now al-Maliki understands that he's "free" to "self-determine" how much Vaseline he applies when bending over and dropping his pants for the American ambassador. [APPLAUSE]

Still, some Iraqis are terrorists, meaning they are ungrateful for America's liberating their country from, uh, themselves. These cowards show their ingratitude by shooting back at our troops, who are brave enough to shoot first. And that just proves the superiority of America's Christian culture to the worshippers of that Moohammed Allah guy. I'm sure that if the Iraqis had attacked and conquered America, we'd be a lot nicer to THEM! [APPLAUSE]

But in Iraq today there's hope in the air, along with a lot of flying body parts. The Iraqi government is sharing oil revenues with the provinces. Or at least I'm sure it would, if there actually were any oil revenues to share. [APPLAUSE]

Efforts to rebuild the Iraqi army are underway. Our brilliant generals on the ground report recruits who are highly disciplined, patriotic, fearless in battle, superbly trained, and almost superhumanly dedicated to the fight for their cause. But enough about the insurgents. [APPLAUSE] The actual Iraqi army has a few good troops, too. Sure, so far they're only the insurgent infiltrators, [LAUGHTER] but let's be patient. It's not as if our own army is doing much better recruiting these days.

Speaking of those McDonald's rejects, uh, I mean The Troops: this is the traditional time in the speech when I point out one such troop in the gallery, as if his very presence here proves they all approve of my using them as cannon fodder just to get my sorry ass re-elected. [APPLAUSE] But not this year. We couldn't find any soldiers who didn't come attached to unsightly respirators, prosthetic limbs or breath-operated wheelchairs. Or even had much of a face left after the IED attack. The Army recruiters don't want one of those Elephant Man Lookalikes on TV. They're having a hard enough time recruiting the trailer trash as it is! [APPLAUSE]

So I'll just confine myself to talking about The Troops [CHEERS] and how I'll support them by stop-lossing them. Which means even after their enlistments are over, the Army can keep them in for life. So now the Troops will have all the time they need to accomplish the mission in Iraq! Imagine how grateful they must feel! [APPLAUSE] And I'll also support them by not giving them any of that heavy, uncomfortable armor to wear, which would only slow them down and make them easier targets. [APPLAUSE]

And in neighboring Afghanistan, we've succeeded in killing more Canadian soldiers than proven terrorists. [APPLAUSE] But we also killed one man who was considered al-Qaeda's most valuable propaganda asset. A man who was about to undermine the War on Terror by blowing the whistle on that whole war's being a fraud and a quagmire having no effect on the Terrorists except to produce more of them. A man who was about to give aid and comfort to our enemies by broadcasting such treasonous thing as "facts" and "truth". So we eliminated him before he could hurt America. But enough about Pat Tillman. [APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

Let me also relate another thing I'm doing to help America while saving the taxpayers money: I'm spending $500 billion to cure AIDS in Africa. [CONFUSED MURMURS] Yes, I know. It's hard to see how that helps America, but it must, somehow, or else why would I be doing it? Anyway, them spearchuckers on the Dark Continent are dropping like flies from AIDS faster than they can breed like rabbits, so we gotta help 'em out.

Because we're not entirely blameless in the matter. Between us telling them African jigaboos they gotta abstain before marriage, which is kinda like telling Jews not to control Hollywood, [LAUGHTER] and Pope Ratzy the Nazi tellin' them they can't wear condoms, it's no wonder the jungle bunnies are dying of AIDS even faster than the fags. So we come in looking like saints by saying we'll cure their AIDS. And when we don't, a billion dead coons and queers ain't exactly bad news either, huh? [APPLAUSE]

But there's a more ominous development closer to home. The law allowing us to wiretap anyone, anytime we want, will expire on July 1. Unless it is renewed, starting on July 2 you are in danger of having the right to privacy. All your phone calls and emails will be terrifyingly unmonitored. And that's just the beginning. Soon you may actually be getting unopened mail. You might go into public without closed-circuit cameras aimed at you. You may even get lonely late at night when none of our storm troopers come crashing into your bedroom without a search warrant. [GASPS]

Shocking but true! That's why it's so crucially important that we renew the Government Knows Best Act. Without it, you die. Because as I've often said, the terrorists hate us for our freedom. So the more freedom you have, the more they'll hate you! Don't take any chances. Give up all your freedom to me. Only that way can I keep you safe! [APPLAUSE, WILD CHEERING]

Well, that's enough of this bullshit for another year. Just as well that Hillary will have to clean up my mess. And I need a good stiff drink. Good night, and God forgive America.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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