CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) - The Discovery shuttle blasted off today in the latest in a series of one (or maybe two, there was another, right?) successful lift-offs by the white shirted guys at NASA. Onlookers gasped in amazement as the shuttle burned through enough fuel to power all SUVs in the Los Angeles basin for the next 50 years.
AP had an opportunity to speak to Commander Brad Butter, just minutes before the launch:
AP: You must be very proud to be leading this mission?
Butter: Hell yeh! Ever since I was knee high to the knee of a grasshopper I wanted to be a spaceman and now my dream has come true. Boy, this beats Magic Mountain any day, and there's no line!
AP: What are your tasks on the mission?
Butter: Well, I get to twiddle a few knobs, throw a few switches, and say "Roger" a lot. None of the switches do anything, but they sure look good to the folks watching back home. Oh yeh, and I may say "Houston, we have a problem" sometime during the mission, just to spice things up a bit.
AP: What are the scientific goals of the mission?
AP: The scientific goals?
Butter: We have a few test-tubes I think, somewhere. We may try to pour liquids into them. That's usually hilarious!
AP: Do you think the weak scientific merit justifies the multi-billion dollar bill the taxpayers of this country are paying for NASA?
Butter: You missed the point, buddy boy. We're Americans, our mission is to go where no man has gone before, except for a few times. In any case, the Russkies want to go to Mars and we need practice. That bastard Brezhnev will have to eat his fur hat after this mission! Oh wait, is he dead?
AP: Don't you think that risking the lives of highly trained scientists, notwithstanding yourself, and not to mention a craft that cost many millions of dollars to build, just for the sake of a few science experiments that could easily be done on the ground, is disgustingly irresponsible?
Butter: I have to go now to have my rectal tube inserted.