Written by Gordon Bennet
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Monday, 31 December 2007

image for Gordon Bennet's 2008 Almanac Gordon Bennet predicts that the highlight of the year will be the Peace Conference between Osama Bin Laden and George Bush

January

  • George Bush admits Iraq invasion was a pretty dumb idea.
  • Joey Barton retires from soccer and becomes a UN Peace Advisor.
  • The Duchess of Pork Sarah Ferguson buys Bed & Breakfast Business in Hull.
  • Government announce that they have the names of every Illegal Immigrant on disc.
  • Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.

February

  • Met Police Chief Sir Ian Blair admits to several personal monumental cock-ups and resigns.
  • Sinn Fein name Omagh bombers.
  • Tony Blair buys the Isle of Skye.
  • Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty to make Anti-Drugs TV Advert.
  • Lembit Opik marries Cheeky Girl.
  • Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.

March

  • Missing NHS Records disc sold on EBay for 0.99 pence.
  • Northern Rock announces huge profits.
  • Heather Mills wins Popularity Contest.
  • Government announce that all Speed Cameras are to be removed.
  • All Servicemen to be given 50% pay rise.
  • Fabio Capelli resigns as England Football Manager.

April

  • Hillary Clinton caught in lewd act with Showbiz Promoter Ivor Biggun.
  • David Cameron makes no comment after being arrested on Hampstead Heath.
  • The Football Association announce that the extra special one Jose Mourinho is to become the next England Football Manager.
  • Gordon Brown announces Election Plans.
  • Lembit Opik divorces Cheeky Girl after realising he had married the wrong one.
  • Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
  • Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.

May

  • Boris Johnson elected Mayor of London.
  • Hillary Clinton forced to stand down as US Presidential candidate.
  • Derby win the Football Premiership.
  • The Pope wins Millions in Euro Lottery.
  • Osama Bin Laden found staying in Sarah Ferguson's Hull Bed and Breakfast.
  • Missing NHS Records disc found being used as a coaster in East End Pub.


June

  • Al Gore set to replace Hillary Clinton.
  • England beat New Zealand in Test Match.
  • Tony Blair buys Castle in Tuscany.
  • Jose Mourinho claims that England will win the next World Football Cup.
  • David Beckham sacked by LA Galaxy.
  • Buckingham Palace announces Noel Edmonds along with Ant and Dec are to be knighted in the Queens Birthday Honours List.
  • Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.

July

  • Gordon Brown caught in compromising situation with TV Reporter Norma Snockers.
  • George Bush meets Osama Bin Laden at Geneva Peace Conference.
  • Labour slip to third place as National Poll claims that they would only receive 12% of the vote.
  • Colin Montgomery wins British Open Golf Championship.
  • Government proposes huge rise for Pensioners.
  • Tim Henman comes of retirement and wins Wimbledon.
  • Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.

August

  • University chaos as every student in the UK passes A Levels.
  • David Milliband says "that he will stand by Gordon Brown through thick and thin".
  • Ivor Crapper a Plumber from Wakefield confesses to making illegal Tory Party Donations.
  • Middlesborough nominated to be European Capital of Culture for 2009.
  • Lembit Opik proposes to one of the Cheeky Girls only to be turned down.
  • Gordon Brown brings back Alistair Campbell in an effort to save his job.
  • Chelsea and Arsenal both play eleven Englishmen in opening game of the Football Season.
  • Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.

September

  • David Miliband again announces complete backing for Gordon Brown.
  • Tony Blair buys Caribbean Island.
  • England beat South Africa in Test Match.
  • President Mugabe announces completely free and fair Elections.
  • Unleaded petrol reduced to 50 pence per litre as the Government announce cut in fuel duty.
  • All Nurses, Policemen and Firemen to be given 50% pay rise.
  • David Beckham signs for Macclesfield Town members of Division Two of the Football League.

October

  • David Milliband Announces that he will run for Prime Minister when Gordon Brown stands down.
  • Rumours from Buckingham Palace state that the Queen thinks that Prince Charles and Prince William should stand aside and allow the peoples favourite Prince Harry to be the next King.
  • All Allied troops to be pulled out of the Middle East.
  • Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
  • Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.

November

  • Al Gore sweeps to victory in the US presidential Election.
  • Halifax Building Society bailed out by the Government.
  • Lembit Opik marries Geri Halliwell.
  • All Charities scrapped as Government announce that it will finance every one.
  • Tony Blair set to become a Tax Exile in Dubai.
  • MP's to take 50% pay cut.
  • David Beckham wins I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in the Aussie Jungle.
  • Jose Mourinho resigns as England Football Manager.

December

  • Everlasting Peace declared throughout the Middle East.
  • George Bush wins Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Harrods boss Mohamed Al-Fayed to receive Knighthood.
  • Government announce that no Sportsmen or Entertainers to be nominated for the New Years Honours list.
    Prince Harry announces that he has given up Clubbing and Drinking.
  • Thousands of Illegal Immigrants are caught trying to board the Dover to Calais Ferry.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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