Written by The Macster
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Saturday, 20 October 2007

It's a common misperception that you can have a successful career without really trying, but this type of title sells a lot of books.

However, using the BOLOX rule anyone can climb the corporate career ladder without being hindered by ability or talent.

B is for behaviour.

Start behaving like your boss, or even better like their boss. Dress like them and walk like them. Eat at the same lunchtime venue. People are very gullible. Just pretending to be someone of authority will fool the majority of people.

Case Study - Brian Bottomfeeder was pretty much passed up for promotion every time the opportunity arose even though he was a conscientious worker. He assessed his workplace impact and studied his manager, Ms Caroline Carpetcleaner's demeanor.

"I certainly got noticed when I started dressing in dark navy skirts and applying eye-liner and lipstick," said Brian. "My co-workers now have a lot more respect for me and seem quite tentative around me. I've very positive about my future in the company now."

O is for Opportunity

Take every opportunity you can to highlight your achievements and bring attention to the shortcomings of your co-workers. In fact you don't have to have any connection with the positive results but as long as you can make your manager's believe that you have then this is all that matters.

Case study - Mandy Mungefuddler was a young executive in a large international financial services company. Despite having the intellectual capacity of a retarded gnat, she was very, very ambitious.

"I found out about a project that someone was involved in that was doing quite well and would start mentioning it in meetings as if I was involved in it. Obviously the person who was running with it could have put people right, but I started mentioning his name to manager's in a negative context. For instance I'd say things like "Is X not in yet?' very loudly if he wasn't at his desk, even though I knew he was really photocopying something on another floor. Eventually I was promoted for my good work on his project and he was shuffled off somewhere crap."

L is for Lexicon

Every large organisation has their own buzzword's and terminology. Make sure that you use these at every opportunity no matter how cheesy they are. In addition to this, use as many words as possible in conversation, the longer they are, the better. Never answer any questions directly, if possible answer a question with another question. The aim of this is to make those speaking to you believe that you are far cleverer than you actually are.
Instead of saying 'We didn't hit our productivity targets,' which has very negative connotations for the speaker, say 'The team was tasked with an objective of reaching highly ambitious productivity ratings. There were numerous challenging and stretching milestones to quantify the positive output of the department which demonstrated far-reaching and positive impact upon overall profitability for the company as a whole. The success of this could be attributed to a number of outcomes of which the primary source, was unobtainable at the time of final assessment.'

Do this and you'll gain a reputation for a non-nonsense, straight-talking type of worker or at least your questioners will lose interest before you can give them an answer.

O is for Objectivity

Always remember the reason you are at work, namely to get as much power and pay as you possibly can. Only losers work to do the job that they are paid for. Work itself is only a distraction and should you find yourself with some, then you must offload it as quickly as possible. You need to spend time managing your career not doing your job.

Case Study - Gary Bamboozle is responsible for managing the Ambulance Service for a regional health authority, following an number of deaths caused by delays due to service cutbacks that he himself had instigated. Fortunately, as Gary had targeted his executives with organising the cutbacks he was able to apportion blame on them when negative media coverage picked up on the story and fire a couple of them in response to this, making him out to be the hero.

'I highly recommend, delegating as much work as possible, that way, when things do go wrong, the staff can get the blame. This has worked well for Government ministers and BBC Executives throughout history.'

X is for eXcitement

Nothing impresses managers more than exuberant enthusiasm and studies have shown that employees who exhibit cringe-making levels of positivity, always do better in the workplace than their more mundane and down to earth colleagues.

Case Study - Barbara Bachalaureat was a junior manager in a firm of accountants but found it difficult to get her managers attention. Says Barbara - "I reviewed my impact upon the workplace environment and realised that I did not appear enthusiastic enough for my manager, who was quite a shallow and dim individual. I started talking in the excited tones of a local radio station DJ and walking in a fast, bouncing, manner. I stopped using impartial terms such as 'ok' and 'all right' and replaced them with can-do phrases like 'Sure thing,' and 'Fantastic'. Combining these strategies with bouncing and talking soon kick-started my career. I'm now in charge of a division and the reality is that I'm really a bit of a fuckwit. But hey who cares, when the money is this good!"

So there you go, in the modern 21st Century Workplace, Knowledge, experience and ability are no substitute for enthusiasm, bullshit and selfishness.

Adopt these valued characteristics and see your career fly!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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