Written by Noshing Mink
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Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Earlier this week, it was announced that Boris Johnson is the comedy pseudonym of funnyman Sacha Baron Cohen. The news that Boris is not a real person has been a devastating blow to millions of people across the country, who loved his sharp, intellectual wit, his "no nonsense" approach about saying what he thinks (unlike most politicians who say what they think people want them to say) and his hilarious habit of getting into trouble.

We all remember Boris' attempt to shake Liverpuddlians out of their grief following the death of Ken Bigley by using the harsh expressions "mawkish sentimentality" and "wallowing" in self-pity. Yes, Boris was wrong to have said this. But was he really?

We remember how he referred to "Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing" in the Tory party, in an effort to unite the party. The Government of New Guinea objected to these words as offensive. And of course they were offensive. But were they really?

In fact, Boris' statement of apology was thick with sarcasm, for he said that he was sure the people of Papua New Guinea led lives of "blameless bourgeois domesticity". That got their backs up again and of course, he shouldn't have said that either. But shouldn't he?

I remember when Boris was asked by a reporter whether he was throwing his hat into the ring for the contest for Tory leader and he flashed one of those charming, self-deprecating £1,000,000 Boris Johnson smiles and said, "No, my hat stays firmly in my sock drawer".

Without a doubt, Boris has brought colour and humour into the grey and dull world of politics. That shock of ginger-blond hair, the unkempt face, the bicycle, the extra-marital affairs, the appearances on Have I Got News for You. Michael Foot tried the scarecrow look, but it didn't work. David Cameron tried the bicycle, and the polls show it hasn't worked so far. Cecil Parkinson and David Mellor tried the extra-marital affairs, and they didn't work. Boris, however, couldn't put a foot wrong. He had the press fawning at anything and everything he said. And rightly so.

British politics will never be the same again.

Boris, those who are about to fall into the abyss of boredom salute you.

(Ed - Boris isn't really Sacha Baron Cohen.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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